The toddler years can be a trying time for any parent. But learning how to read certain signs of toddler behaviour learning to de-stress and dispel tantrums before they even begin

Extract taken from New Toddler Taming, by Dr Christopher Green

'Oh why me?' you moan, your head in your hands, as junior puts on yet another Oscar-winning performance for the supermarket crowd. 'I've given him a tonne of love and still he insists on embarrassing me with these painful performances.'

As a tired parent, it becomes easy to believe that your little loved one is out to punish you in every way possible. But it's not like that. In reality he is just an interesting little person with absolutely no sense, being triggered by life in a way that most parents either don't see or can't understand.

Almost all behaviour stems from only a handful of these triggers. If you can spot them and understand their likely outcome, it can help you stay on top of 90 per cent of the behaviour that follows.

When we parents are having a bad day, our toddlers' repertoire of behaviour may seem extensive but in fact almost every performance comes from very predictable origins.

Attention seeking

Just like pop stars, politicians and other adult exhibitionists, toddlers need to be the centre of attention all the time. This is a demand that many parents find hard to understand. Why do toddlers have to behave so badly to get attention when they are getting masses of it already? It may not seem very sensible to you, but for the toddler it makes perfect sense.

Toddlers are attention addicts, and this is one addiction that we don't want to cure. In fact, cutting off their supply pretty much guarantees bad behaviour, and the emotional wellbeing of all involved suffers.

If you ignore toddlers they will hijack your attention. With attention-seeking, the toddler is trying to tell you: 'Hey, watch me!' He isn't greedy, he just wants to be noticed.

This is by far the most unrecognised but powerful trigger of toddler behaviour problems. I can't emphasise this enough: if parents were to understand only two things about toddlers - that they have little sense and that they need copious amounts of attention - the game would be won.

Jealousy and competition

At around two years, little children are not richly endowed with the values of sharing and seeing another person's point of view. They like to be the star of the show no matter what and when they are dispossessed of this role they can get mighty upset. A few toddlers are pretty laid back and humanitarian in their attitudes but most are downright possessive and resent intruders on their patch.

Jealousy and competition are major triggers of toddler behaviour that cause problems for parents and often arise from some quite predictable situations.

Sibling rivalry

Parents who have only one child rarely realise just how much their life will change when they have a second. Two children together are usually the best of friends but they can also be fierce rivals. Toddler behaviour can be at its worst when competing.

Sibling rivalry is a form of competition and it is behind many an annoying display of bad behaviour. It is quite normal in toddlerdom, and it will probably continue until they leave home. Don't get drawn into the squabbles and fights, keep them all busy and make sure all children get enough 'grade A' attention.

Adults are in the way

It's not just other toddlers and siblings that stir up jealousy and competition in your little one, adults are often seen as being in the way too.

Be selective and brief when interacting with other adults when the toddler's around. Try to give your message quickly and quit while you're ahead. Discussing the mortgage is best left until your toddler is happily dreaming.

Frustration

Tiny toddlers have ideas way beyond their abilities and when things don't go as they have planned they can become mighty frustrated. The growing toddler is trying to come to terms with his limitations. Frustration brings out the worst in anybody.

As parents we should accept that a certain amount of grizzling and tantrum-throwing is due to frustration and not just bad behaviour. Learning is about pushing our limits to succeed but sometimes it creates stress when our goals are out of reach. At this stage, understanding and encouragement is what the toddler needs. When things don't work out, it's a cuddle that's called for, not punishment.

Fear of separation

Toddlers usually want to be close to their parents and get upset when separated. Anxiety over separation starts at about seven months of age, intensifies to a peak just after the first birthday, and gradually wanes over the next three years. This is a normal stage of development and not a behaviour problem even though it is a trigger for many a scene. See it from the child's point of view - every time you leave, even the most secure toddler is thinking: 'Is she coming back?'

Toddlers are always checking that you're still around and need to be near you where they feel safe. During this time, fear of separation can be the trigger for what is mistaken as bad behaviour.

Upset and illness

When the home is unsettled and routines disturbed, the toddler's behaviour may also take a turn for the worse. Toddlers don't like change and quickly pick up on any stress or tension in their environment.

They don't have to understand what's happening for this to be a trigger of bad behaviour. Families feel things together and what one person goes through will affect the lot. We can sometimes forget that our littlies are just as susceptible to this as the adults in the household, despite their lack of maturity.

Toddlers can be irrational, irritable and hard to handle when their environment is unstable or they are unwell. In times of change, turmoil and sickness, it is best to freewheel for a while and take things as they come. You can regain a firm hold once things are back to normal. If anything, give the toddler even more time to adapt than you think they may need.

Article extracted from New Toddler Taming, by Dr Christopher Green, published by Vermilion, price £12.99