Dating different partners is meant to give a world of man-insight before you find 'the one'. But moving on after a relationship ends is not always as simple as it seems - exes don't just disappear but often need to be dealt with in a grown up way

Extract taken from The Ex Factor, by Emily Dubberley

The bastard

Lots of women go through a phase of only dating men who are bad news. Generally speaking, they grow out of it once they realise that being stood up, criticised or cheated on (sometimes all three) just isn't fun.

The bastard can be particularly hard to get over because of the way that he plays with your self-esteem, first offering you affection, passion and interest, then withdrawing it, making you feel like you've done something wrong and need to do something to make it up to him and thus earn back his love. Before too long, the relationship's ended and you're sitting around thinking that you're the one who messed things up. You didn't. He's just a knob.

However, a run-in with a bastard can taint your view of all men. This is hardly likely to put you in a good state to find or maintain another relationship. It's important to remember that most men out there really aren't that bad.

If you've got a bastard ex, accept that you'll probably never get a real answer about why you split up. He's incapable of intimacy with anyone, and even if he met a supermodel rocket-scientist millionaire chef nymphomaniac, he'd find something wrong with her.

The stalker

Studies have found that up to 30 per cent of women have been stalked, and it's generally by someone they already know. It can be annoying, terrifying or even life-threatening.

If your ex refuses to acknowledge that things are over despite being told, you need to get firm and reiterate your point. Tell him that you don't want to see him or speak to him. If he's doing anything that you find intimidating, keep a diary of his behaviour, noting down times, dates and exactly what he's done or said and don't be scared to report him to the police.

Don't share any information with him about what you're going to be doing (or put it anywhere public, such as a blog or on Facebook). And don't feel too ashamed to tell people about it: it's your ex's problem, not yours, and your friends will give you much-needed support and, quite possibly, could help keep you safe.

The sex god

Sex is a powerful thing, and whichever ex gave you the best sex of your life is liable to evoke a strong memory, both physically and mentally. As a result, they can be hard to get over, particularly if you're highly sexed. You may find your thoughts drifting to the sex god ex when you're getting it on with your new partner, leading to feelings of guilt. But remember, sex isn't enough to base a relationship on.

The first thing you need to do to get over this ex is to stop thinking about the sex, even when you're masturbating. Delete any dirty texts or emails you still have from your ex, no matter how horny they make you, and invest in some porn to help replace the pervy images in your head with something new.

The mercy ex

If you're lucky, you'll have managed to get through life without ever suffering the mercy shag. However, what with binge drinking being common and insecurity even more so, you shouldn't be all that surprised if you've ended up having a 'mercy shag' in your past. All it takes is a bit of a battered ego and someone you'd never usually consider suddenly becomes someone you welcome with open arms (and legs).

If your self-esteem is low, it can feel like an emotional comfort-blanket to have someone around that adores you, even if you're not that into them: being adored can boost your self-worth, after all. It's only when you start to dread seeing your mercy shag that you realise you've made a terrible mistake and you've been dating them for the sake of your ego.

The invisible ex

Always a tricky one, the invisible ex is someone you pine over even though you never actually dated them. In some cases, this is a best friend of the opposite sex who you spent every hour of the day with until they landed a partner. In others, it can be someone you considered a hot prospect and spent hours blathering to, only to discover they only ever saw you as 'a friend'. Or it could be that they're gay.

Assuming that you want to keep this person in your life, the best way to get over them is with a bit of distance. Tell them you're going to be busy for the next fortnight (or however long you think it'll take) so you won't be able to chat to them. Spend this time going out without them and filling your life with new and exciting things and people. Once you've your sense of perspective back, resume the friendship, keeping the fact that you will never go out with them at the front of your mind.

Mr 'All His Fault'

Everyone has flaws but few people like to admit it. As such, it's not uncommon for people to pretend that all their weak points are someone else's fault. You're always late? That's because your ex used to make fun of you for being uptight about getting to places on time. You can't commit? That's because your ex broke your heart and made you wary of love.

Get real. Sure, your ex may have done all those things and more, but you don't have to carry around the baggage he gave you as a badge of honour.

The colleague ex

Although the colleague ex can fall into any of the above categories, they also have the additional complication that you have to see them every day at work.

To avoid complication, it's well worth sitting down and hammering things out with the colleague ex when you first break up so that you can avoid sniping over the photocopier or bursting into tears mid-meeting. Don't even think of flirting with other people at work to make your ex regret what they did. OK, think about it but for Christ's sake don't do it. You'll only make things worse.

Extract taken from The Ex Factor: Relationship Baggage And How To Deal With It, by Emily Dubberley, published by Fusion Press (£10.99), available from www.visionpaperbacks.co.uk