Paula Hall, a sexual and relationship psychotherapist for Relate, hosted a live online chat, answering your relationships questions. If you missed it, here's a sample of some of the questions she answered

Is insecurity affecting his relationship chances?

My best friend is 19 years old and has had two relationships before but not for very long. He's now at university with me but has low self-esteem and is very competitive about everything. He says that every night before he goes to sleep, he analyses everything that happened that day for an hour! He goes over every conversation he had and how people behaved around him etc.

He burst into tears last night (very, very rare for him) when he saw a girl that he used to fancy last year, who had rejected him, in the arms of another man. He said that he doesn't fancy her any more and that he's happy for them, but it was just rubbing salt into a raw wound.

He hasn't got a girlfriend and wants the intimacy and companionship that a relationship involves.What can I suggest he does to try and improve his chances of getting a decent girlfriend?
cl-alllurvedup

Paula Hall: I think your friend needs to try and get to the root cause of his low self-esteem. It sounds like he's probably been struggling with issues for a long time and it's not just about dating, but other stuff as well.

You're right in saying that until he's happier with himself he's unlikely to get a girlfriend and it will take work to sort this out. It's a journey he's going to have to do on his own. Is there a university counselling service he can go to?

Ideally, he needs to really look at what's going on inside, re-address any negative messages he picked up in childhood and take some risks. It's tough, but unavoidable.

Do men in their forties lose their sex drive?

I have read that men should not experience a reduction in sex drive until at least their fifties, yet women complain of men in their early to mid-forties. My husband (age 42), is also having a reduction in sex drive. What I find strange is that these problems he is experiencing seemed to coincide with him getting the 'all-clear' after having a vasectomy a couple of years ago.

He has Frenulum Breve where the piece of skin is tight enough to make the head of his penis 'bend' when I pull the foreskin back. I found out about a smaller op that could improve matters, but he doesn't want to have it done.
mrsemmapeel

Paula Hall: There are a lot of medical issues in your question and your husband's GP may be the best person to advise you. Firstly, sex drive can diminish at any time, but ageing doesn't tend to kick in and affect sex drive until the forties and fifties. However, the bigger cause of lowered libido is relationship issues or other sexual problems.

I can't help thinking that the Frenulum Breve may be a bit of a red herring. You say he's been a bit tight since childhood and until the vasectomy two years ago, you'd had a good sex life. So it's unlikely that this is causing the desire, erectile or ejaculatory problems. His difficulty in getting in the mood, getting aroused and reaching orgasm are more likely to be linked to something else.

I wonder what other changes there may have been. In particular, I wonder how he feels about the problem. Is it a problem for him? What does he want to do about it?

I would suggest that the best way to proceed would be a quick check-up with his GP to reassure that there's nothing physical in the way and then psychosexual therapy for the two of you as a couple to help you to develop a sex life that will be fulfilling for both of you.

Feeling unloved and hurt

I've been with my fiancee for three years. Things started off really well and I'm totally head over heels in love with him. We live together and he has brought my daughter up as his own since she was seven months old (I'm 25 and he is 30).

For the past ten months or so our relationship has gone downhill and I don't know what to do. My feelings for him haven't changed at all. He isn't as loving, doesn't show me any affection at all and sex and even conversation are scarce. He thinks I've been unfaithful to him which I haven't and when I wear tight clothes and do my hair and make-up he thinks I'm trying to impress someone.
jo_82

Paula Hall: I wonder if the answer to this strange behaviour lies in his suspicion that you had an affair. It sounds like he could be quite insecure as he worries about how you look and what you may be up to. You seem to be doing more than anyone could expect to reassure him that you love and care for him and are committed to your relationship, but it's obviously not getting through.

I suspect that he may have some issues back in childhood which have left him feeling desperately insecure. Without knowing he's doing it, he may be testing your relationship at the moment. Pushing you away to see if you'll leave him (as perhaps someone else did) or whether you'll stick by him.

I think your best bet is to try another heart to heart. Tell him that it feels like he's sabotaging your relationship and you don't want that to happen. Keep reassuring that you love him and want you to both be happy and want to work together to find out how that can happen. It may take more than once, but hopefully it'll sink in time and he'll realise that any problems are in his head and begin to be nicer.

Do I fancy him?

I've been with my partner for about six and a half years, but we haven't slept together now for at least four years. I'm just not interested - no it's more than that - I can't bear it.

I'm not sure if it's him I don't fancy or just the idea of having to sleep with anyone. The problem is compounded for me by a strict (and guilt-ridden), religiously-biased upbringing, where thinking, discussing, or even admitting to the existence of sex was forbidden.

I have only actually enjoyed sex in the past with one previous partner. I feel that I am doomed to spend the rest of my life celibate and childless. I don't know what to do about it but feel so alone with this.
mellers

Paula Hall: Firstly, I want you to know that you're not alone. There are lots of women, and a few men, out there who don't like sex or are phobically avoidant. And there are a whole host of reasons why this can happen.

I think you've been very brave to write this message and this is perhaps the first step for you in moving forward. Sex can be such a wonderfully fulfilling experience and so rewarding in a relationship, it would be a dreadful shame if you missed out on it any longer than you needed to. It sounds as if your relationship is basically okay apart from the sex, so perhaps it would be even better if you could overcome this hurdle.

My advice would be to get some personal therapy. I know you say it has been very difficult to write this email, so perhaps before going face-to-face you could work with someone who specialises in your issues online.

www.sextherapyonline.co.uk is very good. In time, hopefully you can find the confidence to talk to someone and then begin to talk to your partner about it. With his support, you can move on from this block like so many others have done before you.

We won't stay together

My boyfriend of 14 months came back from holiday yesterday. I went round to see him last night, and it was like visiting a stranger. There were issues which I won't go into, but basically it boils down to the fact that regardless of how much we love each other, I know that we won't be together forever.

It's not because I'm harsh, or cold, or that he isn't everything I'd want in a man. It's the simple fact that there are some things which would make a future together pretty much impossible.
cl-krazie

Paula Hall: There's nothing wrong with staying in a relationship that isn't really going anywhere as long as you're still enjoying yourself and you're not leading the other person on.

What happened the other night might be the beginning of the relationship fizzling out; with external annoyances being thrown at each other. Perhaps there was an anti-climax because you had both wanted to be bowled over by the moment and were both disappointed that you weren't but didn't know how to say it.

I think you should take the next few weeks and see how it goes. If it gets worse, get out. If it just feels empty, get out. But if you get back to a good place again where you can enjoy each other in the 'here and now', then go ahead and enjoy.

Nit-picking

My husband is in the navy and I don't know if this is contributing to our problems or not. He is based in Plymouth and I'm in Scotland. He comes home every second weekend. I've grown used to being on my own with our two kids (two years-old and nine months) and I've had to adjust things so that I can get by without him.

When he comes home, he expects things to be the same as when he left. He thinks I still do things exactly the same and it's driving me mad. He says I'm nit-picking and I should just shut up and put up. I don't know why I'm getting so angry with him!

We argue a lot and it's always over the way things were and I always end up saying 'just divorce me then'. Do I mean it? He has hurt me in the past and said he hated me, and was only with me for the kid's sake.
Becky bump

Paula Hall: It sounds to me as if both of you may be struggling with some withheld anger. Perhaps both of you are very unhappy with life at the moment and feel that it's just not working out as you'd hoped. You may be blaming each other for little details that are spoiling things rather than looking at the much bigger issue that lies beneath.

As always, my advice is that you need to talk. I wonder if you could talk about how you would like things to be. If you could move your family and do whatever you wanted, what sort of lifestyle would you choose? Would you want the same things? Would you want to be together if you had your time all over again?

Sometimes it's the circumstances of life that get us down and we take it out on our nearest and dearest. We want them to make things better and when they don't, or they make it worse because of their disappointments, we bite.

You say you argue a lot. Is this because neither of you is really being heard or you're avoiding arguing about the real issue? Tough questions without any easy answers I'm afraid.

Is it all over?

I have been with my husband since I was 17 (for 12-and-a-half years). We have been married for just over five years and have two children. Over the past couple of years I feel that our relationship has been getting worse and we can barely be civil to each other.

I feel he is very selfish and makes decisions without taking his family into consideration, such as changing his hours at work and taking on a new position which involves going away training for a while. I do all of the cooking, look after the two children, work part-time, do the school run and also take my youngest girl to various groups throughout the day (swimming, parent and toddler etc).

I feel I don't get much support at all from him and if anything needs to be done around the house then I could be waiting months for it to get touched.

I feel like I'm living all alone sometimes. I also feel hurt that my opinions don't matter and he makes decisions as if he?s single. He doesn't consult us at all and doesn't think how it will affect family life. His work takes precedence over us all the time.
mumofone04

Paula Hall: It sounds like you've been struggling alone for a long, long time. You say you've spoken to your husband about how you feel and I wonder how he replies. Does he minimise it or does he say he's too tired/busy to change it?

Many couples at your stage of life are torn between building a career and looking after a young family. It takes a lot of negotiation and compromise to make a relationship work during that time. Often, each person feels isolated and they tackle their part of family life alone.

Many men see being successful in their career as their contribution to family life and it may be that he's feeling almost as unappreciated as you.

I think you really have to sit down again and talk about what's going on. Say again that you can't continue to live like this and if you can't agree a way forward, then you should start talking about what separation would look like. It will be tough, but if you can't find a mutually satisfying future together, perhaps it will be best for everyone in the long run.

Lack of sex

My boyfriend, aged 29, and me (42 years old) met over a year ago and started a sexual relationship very quickly, which was great, and we both tried different things which we both enjoyed. Our relationship grew and we fell into a great routine.

Two months or so ago I found out that he secretly ordered Viagra on the internet. He did say once that he found it difficult to maintain an erection and on several occasions he did made excuses.

If I bring the subject up he gets very defensive and seems hurt by my request and then makes me feel guilty. The relationship just feels like a friendship and that's not what I want.
tiggertoo

Paula Hall: Your boyfriend obviously has a problem with erections and it may be that he's avoiding confronting this either by using Viagra or avoiding sex altogether. There may be something else going on underneath that he's not saying, but if the relationship seems good in every other sense, then it may all boil down to the fact that he has a problem with sex.

Viagra does work 99 per cent of the time, but many men do not like having to be reliant on it, especially younger, healthy men. Erection problems are often devastating to men and it's often difficult for them to believe that it's not equally devastating for the partner. Many men feel powerless, stupid, embarrassed, insignificant and less of a man.

They may feel that their relationship is going to be under threat as their partners look for a 'real man'.

I think you really need to address this head-on and find out what's happening. I wonder if he feels particularly insecure because of the age difference and perhaps thinks you're much more experienced and perhaps less tolerant. Explain to him that you want to overcome any sexual difficulties together and that it is a component of the relationship that's worth working on. He may be hugely relieved that you've taken the initiative to confront this head-on, no matter how painful it may be.