From the moment you play 'peek-a-boo' with your baby, you are preparing them for the time they move away from you and become independent

Separation can be a difficult emotion, not only for you as a parent, but also for your child. As your child matures and gains in confidence, it is important that you prepare them for school.

Even in ordinary situations, some children experience some form of worry, apprehension, fear, anxiety or distress. Feeling nervous and anxious is natural for a child when they are faced with a new situation.

A new adventure

When children reach school age they may worry about social acceptance, school performance or finding a group that they can fit into.

School is a place away from home where your child will have some of their greatest successes, challenges, failures and embarrassments. It is at school that your child learns about how the world works and meets and interacts with people from outside your family, perhaps for the first time.

School is a place beyond your control so, of course, it can appear stressful and unfamiliar to your child regardless of their age.

It is also where children learn about themselves - their strengths, weaknesses, interests and how they relate to others socially. Children learn to perform in a way they never have to at home and they learn that they are unique, different and separate from you. So, school can appear fun and exciting but also rather daunting and stressful.

A child who has attended a playgroup, or a mother and toddler group may feel more at ease with the new situation, as they are used to and more comfortable with the daily ritual of separation. I remember my son Will, walking up the path to his nursery on the first day and striding in confidently to play with jigsaws. It was me who had to fight back the tears and the strange feeling of rejection, as he didn't seem that bothered to see me go! (We had been going to the Mother and Toddler afternoons throughout the summer to prepare him for the big day).

It can also depend on your child's character, their ability to handle change or whether their friends are going to be joining them.

I really believe your attitude is of vital importance to the 'Big Day'. If you appear nervous, anxious, worried, over-protective or guilty your child notices your tension and will react to it with anxiety, reluctance and hesitancy.

How to prepare for the first day

• Talk to your child about what to expect - the activities (if it is nursery or reception - the snacks, milk time, story time or quiet time, the routines, the toys and the noise of other children).
• Take your child to the nursery or school to get the feel of the place and to get used to the layout or the journey. With younger children, the place where they go to the toilet or hang their coat is of great importance to them and can really help them relax during their early days in a new environment.
• Let your younger child know that it's perfectly normal to feel nervous and worried about being away from you for a little while and get them to think of a familiar object or toy they could bring in with them for a short while until they get used to the changes.

Ease your child's anxiety

I remember when I first taught in Reception Class, a Mum taking her daughter's hand and kissing the back of it and saying: 'Now you have my kiss so pop it into your pocket and when you miss me you can take it out again and give yourself a kiss from Mummy all over again'. I saw her doing that only twice over by the sandpit during the morning!

• Find a 'buddy' or special friend who your child could go in with or pal around with during the new experience. I remember the Mums at my children's school got together in the summer holidays to have a barbeque where the kids chatted, played and got used to being with each other. It was in a pleasant, relaxed atmosphere where it was safe and familiar so it was a really positive and fun experience for everyone. It helped the transition into the school environment later that month.
• Make the school ritual relaxed by laying out the school clothes or making the sandwiches the night before and getting your child involved in helping with the process. It helps take away some of the anxiety and is an opportunity for listening and chatting through little or big niggles.

Dealing with difficulties

Stay for a little while for the first day or two but always talk to your child's teacher first about this, as some Reception teachers don't always like this idea. As your child feels more comfortable, make your stay shorter and shorter and then just stay long enough to say goodbye properly.

I found children's tears dried up within minutes once they got stuck into the Playdoh or toy cars while poor old Mum or Dad went home or to work feeling awful.

• Be firm about attending school and don't 'give in' to staying at home. That sends the wrong message and really is making a rod for your own back.
• Always come back on time so your child can feel secure and safe knowing you are waiting for them with a smile and a lovely greeting.
• Be accepting of your child's worries and concerns. Always acknowledge your child's feelings as it shows respect to their genuine emotions and it gives you an opportunity to help them learn to cope with new experiences positively.
• Always stay positive and try to relax even if your child reverts to thumb-sucking, clinginess, and bedwetting or having nightmares. These behaviours are usually only temporary setbacks. Remember that you are creating a blueprint for how your child handles change throughout their lives.

Sue Atkins is a former Deputy Head with 22 years teaching experience and is now a Parent Coach. She has written many books on self-esteem, toddlers and teenagers. She is author of Raising Happy Children for Dummies. For more information go to the Positive Parents website