The Male Nanny works for a wealthy London family and spends much of his time dealing with an inquisitive and often obnoxious five-year-old. His wry and discerning first-hand accounts offer a unique insight into the private lives of London's elites - from family holidays to family therapy - and every lie in between. To keep up with The Male Nanny follow him on Twitter @themalenanny
Pussy
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It is Saturday evening. The mother has given permission for a film to be watched. The 13 year old, the 5 year old, and I, are gathered around the DVD shelf.
'I want to watch Waterloo Road', asserts the 5 year old, 'What is Waterloo Road?'
'We’re watching Borat', says the 13 year old.
'No. The Notebook', says the 5 year old.
'That’s gay', says the 13 year old.
'It’s not gay', argues the 5 year old.
'It’s got to be a PG', I tell them.
They sigh.
'Borat is a PG in Holland', reasons the 13 year old
'I have seen an 18 once. It had a pumped up willy', claims the 5 year old.
The film Bewitched is eventually agreed on. I turn on the 65 inch plasma and slip the disc in. It is an awful film, and is largely inaudible owing to the 5 year old’s constant observations.
'Why has he got a thermometer on his ear?' she ponders, referring to a blue-tooth device.
'He’s older than 52. When is he going to die?', she wonders, of Michael Cain’s character.
'Why is he calling him pussy? What does he mean pussy?' she asks.
'He’s saying bossy', I lie.
'No. He’s saying pussy', the 13 year old clarifies.
'Like cat', I counter.
'No, like fanny. Or vagina. It means scared.'
This delights the five year old. 'You are a pussy', she says, pointing at me, smiling.
She then claims the main character cannot be a witch because 'all witches have big noses'.
'That’s Jews, not witches', remarks the 13 year old.
The film drags on and I put the 5 year old to bed, before it finishes, which incenses her:
'It’s still early. I am five, not four'.
'Goodnight'.
'Go away'.
'Sleep well'.
'Stupid film. No-one would marry a witch'.
The Male Nanny
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