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The relationship audit

by Susan Quilliam
continued from page 1

What not to do
It may be tempting to use this as an opportunity to get things off your chest, to let your partner know what's niggling you. Don't - that'll only bring the process to a swift halt as you both get so upset that you can't continue. Be careful about the language you use and don't:

  • List your partner's faults: he'll feel got at.
  • Tell your partner what he 'ought' to do or ought to have done: he'll feel told off.
  • Dig up past problems in a 'blamey' way: he'll feel the need to retaliate.
  • Compare your partner with someone else: he'll get defensive.
  • Sulk or lash out if your partner expresses dissatisfaction with you: he'll clam up and refuse to play.

    Don't rush to finish all the topics - if you get to talking deeply about one stick with it until you're clear. There's always another time.

    Instead, do?

  • Mention the good things just as much as your dissatisfactions.
  • Be honest about your feelings, but not brutal.
  • Listen carefully so that your partner feels appreciated.
  • Acknowledge your partner's points - even if you don't agree with them.
  • Give each other hugs if things get tricky.
  • If tempers really rise, take a break for a few minutes, or snuggle up and leave the whole thing until tomorrow.

    Exploration one: Where are we at?
    Each of you should write down in a single sentence - no more than ten words - about where you feel your relationship is right now. Then read your sentences out to each other and explain why you wrote what you did.

    You may find that there is a big difference in your opinions and that you have to keep calm and stick with the feelings that may come up. If your views of the relationship are very similar, talk about that, too.

    Exploration two: What about the practicalities?
    Each of you should complete these sentences in a way that feels right for you:

  • The place of friends in our life is?
  • Our money arrangements seem to be?
  • The division of labour between us seems?
  • Our mutual approach to children is?
  • I feel that when it comes to our families we?

    You may find at least one area where there is some friction. Try to talk it through calmly - and use the organisations or books listed at the end of this audit to find practical solutions.



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