Diary of a refuge

Tuesday

On the answerphone there’s a message from a distressed woman needing advice. When returning the calls, I must be careful to say as little as possible until I know for sure that I’m speaking to the right woman. To reveal my identity before I’m sure it is her could well put her in extreme danger. If a man answers I always say I’m selling double glazing.

We vet all calls. Many people get offended but we have to be careful. The police, in particular, get irritated when you won't divulge details about the refuge. We’ve had policeman's wives and partners in refuges and can’t take the risk of giving the police any information that could be used to track a woman down. If the police do need the address, we ask them to write it down on paper and then tear it up afterwards.

We take many calls from women in crisis – they range from simple questions to requests for space in the refuge. Sometimes the calls are silent – we do not push the woman to speak. Sometimes they just need to know that there is someone that cares at the other end of the phone. Some women just want to tell you everything and once they start they can't stop. They have to get every last piece of the story out. Some need advice, some just want someone to listen. I have spoken to women on the phone when their partners have overheard the conversation. I have had to listen to the woman getting beaten up before the line goes dead. This is very distressing as, typically, we do not know where the woman is and she tends to bar the number. Even if the number is not barred, to return the call could put her in even more danger. There is nothing we can do except hope that she rings us back. Sometimes she does, but more often she doesn’t. Then if we happen to hear on the radio or news that a woman has been killed, we all wonder if it was her.

One of the new women has decided not to stay in the refuge – there can be numerous reasons. They might not like the atmosphere of a shared house or the location. Each woman is different and a refuge is not necessarily the right place for everyone.

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