Living in a cycle of abuse is a frightening and lonely time. If you are being abused the answers to these commonly asked questions may help you seek support and advice

I feel like I'm being controlled - but my partner doesn't hit me. Am I being abused?
You don't have to be hit to be abused. Domestic violence comes in many forms, including emotional or psychological abuse. Many women say that emotional abuse is as devastating as physical abuse.

Is the abuse my fault?
You can't make a man hit you - it's his choice and only he is responsible. Whatever anyone says, the abuse is not your fault.

Your self-esteem has taken a battering and it may be that you believe some of the things your partner says when they're not in fact true. Try to break your isolation by speaking to someone you trust or an organisation like Refuge about what is happening to you.

What about my children?
Even if you think your children are not aware of the abuse, it is likely that they are. Nine times out of ten children are in the same or next room when a domestic violence incident takes place.

Your children may feel responsible for what is going on and will find it hard to talk about it. You can help them by talking to them and explaining what is happening. Reassure them that they are not to blame for the violence. This is a stressful time for them but any damage does not have to be permanent.

Will he change?
It's rare for an abuser to change, although it can happen. Please don't count on this happening - research shows that domestic violence gets worse over time.

If your partner is serious about changing his behaviour, he must accept responsibility for his actions. He must acknowledge that you have the right to live your life without being dominated and controlled and he must learn to respect you.

Perpetrator groups across the UK work with abusive men to help them understand their behaviour and learn new ways of behaving.

If I call the police will they take me seriously?
Domestic violence is a serious crime - it is against the law. The police have a duty to offer you protection and investigate. They should take you seriously and arrest an abuser where there is evidence of abuse.

What is a refuge?
A refuge is a safe house for women, with or without children. Any woman who is experiencing domestic violence can go to a refuge.

Refuges are all different, but you will always have your own room. They are not institutions. Some refuges have self-contained flats but in most you will probably share areas like the living room, kitchen and bathroom.

Refuges have trained staff who are there to provide you with emotional and practical support.

What should I take with me to a refuge?
If you have time and are sure you are safe, it will help if you can take certain things with you when you go to a refuge. Some of the important ones are documents like birth certificates, marriage certificates and legal papers, also keys, money and phone numbers. It will also make your early days in the refuge easier if you can manage to pack a bag for yourself and your children with clothes, toiletries and other possessions.

If you leave in a hurry, Refuge can provide you with essentials like food and toiletries when you get to the refuge.

ivillage uk

Frequently asked questions about domestic violence