Forced apart
iVillage relationships expert Susan Quilliam talked to women on the Families In The Forces board after the Gulf war, earlier this year.
Q: I'm relatively new to the Forces life but am committed to my boyfriend and, consequently, this way of life. Often it is very difficult to resolve issues and arguments when you can't communicate with your partner because of the distance. How would you suggest couples overcome this? Also, mostly the partner not in the Forces has to make many sacrifices and organise their life around that of their partner because of the way the Forces are. Is it possible to avoid this leading to resentment?
sexycharliebear
A: Regarding distance, there really is only one answer - clear as much as possible when you're together. In other words, whether you're talking about practical issues such as buying a house, or emotional issues such as how to handle infidelity, you need to talk about them upfront. It's a temptation in any relationship to think that because you love each other, you will agree on everything. You won't necessarily, so you need to talk things through to make sure you have reached an agreement, and where you haven't, keep talking until you do.
As for one partner sacrificing for the other, this can become very unbalanced. I have to say that whether or not a relationship ultimately works often depends on whether the `Forces' partner is willing to redress the balance. Long term, it just isn't possible for a partnership to blossom if one is doing all the giving and the other all the taking - so the one who isn't `sacrificing' has to try extra hard to show their love in other ways.
Susan Quilliam
Q: My boyfriend has been back from the Gulf for nearly three weeks, during which time we have spent a lot of time together and I am amazingly happy. The relationship is fairly new, but he has been away for the majority of it. What I am worried about is when his leave is over he will go back to Cornwall and, as I live in Cheshire, I will only see him every other weekend. Although we were apart for four months I can't imagine not seeing him for two weeks at a time, I really love him and want this to work. Any suggestions on how I cope with this?
cindyt2003
A: There are short-term strategies and long-term strategies here. Short term, just make sure you have lots of contact, that you always know and are clear with each other when you're next going to meet. Save any really emotional wobbles for when you're face to face, rather than trying to deal with them over the phone or by email.
The long-term strategy is to agree that you are working towards the point where all this is going to stop. Sure, you do need time to find out about each other, and to develop the relationship, but you also need to know that there's a commitment to at least try to be together.
Before he goes, have that conversation. Reassure him that you're not looking for wedding rings, or even mortgages, but you do need to know he cares - and you do need to tell him that you care too.
Susan Quilliam
Q: My husband and I have a very strong marriage, but post deployment can be a difficult time as we try to adjust to each other again. I have got so used to getting on with things by myself, I think he feels rather like a spare part. I don't mean to make him feel this way, it just seems quicker and easier to get on with everything by myself rather than explaining what I've done and why.
cl-moonmonday
A: The way forward is to be open about this - tell him what you're feeling, and ask him to share his thoughts. What does he need to feel included? What specific things can you do to help - usually, they'll seem trivial; like letting him help with the dishes or checking out what he wants for tea rather than going your own way. Oddly, it's not just the big statements of commitment that make people feel loved and wanted, it's the tiny details.
So check out what he wants and needs and, in return, tell him what you need.
Susan Quilliam
1 | 2 | next
printer friendly
send to a friend
Created: 23/10/2003 Updated: 11/11/2003
Delicious
Digg
reddit
Facebook
StumbleUpon
Horoscopes| Message Boards | Quizzes | Newsletters | Join
iVillage Ltd is a UK company registered in England & Wales (3837269) at 80-110 New Oxford Street, London WC1 1HB
