Relationships 

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Your relationships questions unravelled

Paula Hall, a sexual and relationship psychotherapist for Relate, hosted a live online chat, answering your relationships questions. If you missed it, here's a sample of some of the questions she answered

Is insecurity affecting his relationship chances?

My best friend is 19 years old and has had two relationships before but not for very long. He's now at university with me but has low self-esteem and is very competitive about everything. He says that every night before he goes to sleep, he analyses everything that happened that day for an hour! He goes over every conversation he had and how people behaved around him etc.

He burst into tears last night (very, very rare for him) when he saw a girl that he used to fancy last year, who had rejected him, in the arms of another man. He said that he doesn't fancy her any more and that he's happy for them, but it was just rubbing salt into a raw wound.

He hasn't got a girlfriend and wants the intimacy and companionship that a relationship involves.What can I suggest he does to try and improve his chances of getting a decent girlfriend?
cl-alllurvedup

Paula Hall: I think your friend needs to try and get to the root cause of his low self-esteem. It sounds like he's probably been struggling with issues for a long time and it's not just about dating, but other stuff as well.

You're right in saying that until he's happier with himself he's unlikely to get a girlfriend and it will take work to sort this out. It's a journey he's going to have to do on his own. Is there a university counselling service he can go to?

Ideally, he needs to really look at what's going on inside, re-address any negative messages he picked up in childhood and take some risks. It's tough, but unavoidable.

Do men in their forties lose their sex drive?

I have read that men should not experience a reduction in sex drive until at least their fifties, yet women complain of men in their early to mid-forties. My husband (age 42), is also having a reduction in sex drive. What I find strange is that these problems he is experiencing seemed to coincide with him getting the 'all-clear' after having a vasectomy a couple of years ago.

He has Frenulum Breve where the piece of skin is tight enough to make the head of his penis 'bend' when I pull the foreskin back. I found out about a smaller op that could improve matters, but he doesn't want to have it done.
mrsemmapeel

Paula Hall: There are a lot of medical issues in your question and your husband's GP may be the best person to advise you. Firstly, sex drive can diminish at any time, but ageing doesn't tend to kick in and affect sex drive until the forties and fifties. However, the bigger cause of lowered libido is relationship issues or other sexual problems.

I can't help thinking that the Frenulum Breve may be a bit of a red herring. You say he's been a bit tight since childhood and until the vasectomy two years ago, you'd had a good sex life. So it's unlikely that this is causing the desire, erectile or ejaculatory problems. His difficulty in getting in the mood, getting aroused and reaching orgasm are more likely to be linked to something else.

I wonder what other changes there may have been. In particular, I wonder how he feels about the problem. Is it a problem for him? What does he want to do about it?

I would suggest that the best way to proceed would be a quick check-up with his GP to reassure that there's nothing physical in the way and then psychosexual therapy for the two of you as a couple to help you to develop a sex life that will be fulfilling for both of you.

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