Your relationships questions unravelled

Feeling unloved and hurt

I've been with my fiancee for three years. Things started off really well and I'm totally head over heels in love with him. We live together and he has brought my daughter up as his own since she was seven months old (I'm 25 and he is 30).

For the past ten months or so our relationship has gone downhill and I don't know what to do. My feelings for him haven't changed at all. He isn't as loving, doesn't show me any affection at all and sex and even conversation are scarce. He thinks I've been unfaithful to him which I haven't and when I wear tight clothes and do my hair and make-up he thinks I'm trying to impress someone.
jo_82

Paula Hall: I wonder if the answer to this strange behaviour lies in his suspicion that you had an affair. It sounds like he could be quite insecure as he worries about how you look and what you may be up to. You seem to be doing more than anyone could expect to reassure him that you love and care for him and are committed to your relationship, but it's obviously not getting through.

I suspect that he may have some issues back in childhood which have left him feeling desperately insecure. Without knowing he's doing it, he may be testing your relationship at the moment. Pushing you away to see if you'll leave him (as perhaps someone else did) or whether you'll stick by him.

I think your best bet is to try another heart to heart. Tell him that it feels like he's sabotaging your relationship and you don't want that to happen. Keep reassuring that you love him and want you to both be happy and want to work together to find out how that can happen. It may take more than once, but hopefully it'll sink in time and he'll realise that any problems are in his head and begin to be nicer.

Do I fancy him?

I've been with my partner for about six and a half years, but we haven't slept together now for at least four years. I'm just not interested - no it's more than that - I can't bear it.

I'm not sure if it's him I don't fancy or just the idea of having to sleep with anyone. The problem is compounded for me by a strict (and guilt-ridden), religiously-biased upbringing, where thinking, discussing, or even admitting to the existence of sex was forbidden.

I have only actually enjoyed sex in the past with one previous partner. I feel that I am doomed to spend the rest of my life celibate and childless. I don't know what to do about it but feel so alone with this.
mellers

Paula Hall: Firstly, I want you to know that you're not alone. There are lots of women, and a few men, out there who don't like sex or are phobically avoidant. And there are a whole host of reasons why this can happen.

I think you've been very brave to write this message and this is perhaps the first step for you in moving forward. Sex can be such a wonderfully fulfilling experience and so rewarding in a relationship, it would be a dreadful shame if you missed out on it any longer than you needed to. It sounds as if your relationship is basically okay apart from the sex, so perhaps it would be even better if you could overcome this hurdle.

My advice would be to get some personal therapy. I know you say it has been very difficult to write this email, so perhaps before going face-to-face you could work with someone who specialises in your issues online.

www.sextherapyonline.co.uk is very good. In time, hopefully you can find the confidence to talk to someone and then begin to talk to your partner about it. With his support, you can move on from this block like so many others have done before you.

We won't stay together

My boyfriend of 14 months came back from holiday yesterday. I went round to see him last night, and it was like visiting a stranger. There were issues which I won't go into, but basically it boils down to the fact that regardless of how much we love each other, I know that we won't be together forever.

It's not because I'm harsh, or cold, or that he isn't everything I'd want in a man. It's the simple fact that there are some things which would make a future together pretty much impossible.
cl-krazie

Paula Hall: There's nothing wrong with staying in a relationship that isn't really going anywhere as long as you're still enjoying yourself and you're not leading the other person on.

What happened the other night might be the beginning of the relationship fizzling out; with external annoyances being thrown at each other. Perhaps there was an anti-climax because you had both wanted to be bowled over by the moment and were both disappointed that you weren't but didn't know how to say it.

I think you should take the next few weeks and see how it goes. If it gets worse, get out. If it just feels empty, get out. But if you get back to a good place again where you can enjoy each other in the 'here and now', then go ahead and enjoy.