Your relationships questions unravelled

Nit-picking

My husband is in the navy and I don't know if this is contributing to our problems or not. He is based in Plymouth and I'm in Scotland. He comes home every second weekend. I've grown used to being on my own with our two kids (two years-old and nine months) and I've had to adjust things so that I can get by without him.

When he comes home, he expects things to be the same as when he left. He thinks I still do things exactly the same and it's driving me mad. He says I'm nit-picking and I should just shut up and put up. I don't know why I'm getting so angry with him!

We argue a lot and it's always over the way things were and I always end up saying 'just divorce me then'. Do I mean it? He has hurt me in the past and said he hated me, and was only with me for the kid's sake.
Becky bump

Paula Hall: It sounds to me as if both of you may be struggling with some withheld anger. Perhaps both of you are very unhappy with life at the moment and feel that it's just not working out as you'd hoped. You may be blaming each other for little details that are spoiling things rather than looking at the much bigger issue that lies beneath.

As always, my advice is that you need to talk. I wonder if you could talk about how you would like things to be. If you could move your family and do whatever you wanted, what sort of lifestyle would you choose? Would you want the same things? Would you want to be together if you had your time all over again?

Sometimes it's the circumstances of life that get us down and we take it out on our nearest and dearest. We want them to make things better and when they don't, or they make it worse because of their disappointments, we bite.

You say you argue a lot. Is this because neither of you is really being heard or you're avoiding arguing about the real issue? Tough questions without any easy answers I'm afraid.

Is it all over?

I have been with my husband since I was 17 (for 12-and-a-half years). We have been married for just over five years and have two children. Over the past couple of years I feel that our relationship has been getting worse and we can barely be civil to each other.

I feel he is very selfish and makes decisions without taking his family into consideration, such as changing his hours at work and taking on a new position which involves going away training for a while. I do all of the cooking, look after the two children, work part-time, do the school run and also take my youngest girl to various groups throughout the day (swimming, parent and toddler etc).

I feel I don't get much support at all from him and if anything needs to be done around the house then I could be waiting months for it to get touched.

I feel like I'm living all alone sometimes. I also feel hurt that my opinions don't matter and he makes decisions as if he?s single. He doesn't consult us at all and doesn't think how it will affect family life. His work takes precedence over us all the time.
mumofone04

Paula Hall: It sounds like you've been struggling alone for a long, long time. You say you've spoken to your husband about how you feel and I wonder how he replies. Does he minimise it or does he say he's too tired/busy to change it?

Many couples at your stage of life are torn between building a career and looking after a young family. It takes a lot of negotiation and compromise to make a relationship work during that time. Often, each person feels isolated and they tackle their part of family life alone.

Many men see being successful in their career as their contribution to family life and it may be that he's feeling almost as unappreciated as you.

I think you really have to sit down again and talk about what's going on. Say again that you can't continue to live like this and if you can't agree a way forward, then you should start talking about what separation would look like. It will be tough, but if you can't find a mutually satisfying future together, perhaps it will be best for everyone in the long run.

Lack of sex

My boyfriend, aged 29, and me (42 years old) met over a year ago and started a sexual relationship very quickly, which was great, and we both tried different things which we both enjoyed. Our relationship grew and we fell into a great routine.

Two months or so ago I found out that he secretly ordered Viagra on the internet. He did say once that he found it difficult to maintain an erection and on several occasions he did made excuses.

If I bring the subject up he gets very defensive and seems hurt by my request and then makes me feel guilty. The relationship just feels like a friendship and that's not what I want.
tiggertoo

Paula Hall: Your boyfriend obviously has a problem with erections and it may be that he's avoiding confronting this either by using Viagra or avoiding sex altogether. There may be something else going on underneath that he's not saying, but if the relationship seems good in every other sense, then it may all boil down to the fact that he has a problem with sex.

Viagra does work 99 per cent of the time, but many men do not like having to be reliant on it, especially younger, healthy men. Erection problems are often devastating to men and it's often difficult for them to believe that it's not equally devastating for the partner. Many men feel powerless, stupid, embarrassed, insignificant and less of a man.

They may feel that their relationship is going to be under threat as their partners look for a 'real man'.

I think you really need to address this head-on and find out what's happening. I wonder if he feels particularly insecure because of the age difference and perhaps thinks you're much more experienced and perhaps less tolerant. Explain to him that you want to overcome any sexual difficulties together and that it is a component of the relationship that's worth working on. He may be hugely relieved that you've taken the initiative to confront this head-on, no matter how painful it may be.