He's so stressed, it's tearing us apart

I love my partner dearly but he's SO stressed, it's tearing us apart. His reaction is to bottle it up before it explodes into fights, then he admits things (eg financial problems), talks it through and it calms down a bit. I don't think he can change - we've discussed it loads of times.

He supports his ex-wife and his daughter of 16, but is upset because she refuses to meet me or come to our house. He pays a huge mortgage on the ex-family home which is on the market but just won't sell and is worried that he might not keep his job.

When he speaks to his ex-wife about selling the house, she gives him tirades about how he's ruined their lives. I believe that she is so damaged, she would rather see us go under than get a part-time job to ease the pressure. How can I ease the pressure on my partner so that our relationship doesn't fall apart.

We were going to marry this year, but everything seems too stressful. He has been looking awful lately, I'm worried he's going to have a heart attack, or do something stupid. He has agreed to have counselling, but is even worried about it - he may have to take time off work, and then pay still more money out.
pandemonia

I urge you to get him to see his GP about generalised anxiety disorder. It sounds like he is suffering terribly with anxiety (and I'm not surprised hearing your story) and that it is taking a physical toll, too.

It can be tricky getting men to see their GP for such things but urge him to do so for his own well-being.

I think you're right to reconsider marriage plans when things are so stressed. The other thing I'd recommend is that he sees the Citizens' Advice Bureau or a lawyer about where he stands in continuing to support his ex to this extent. These things can be re-negotiated depending on circumstances.

In the meantime when you start worrying about his worrying, try to stop yourself - take a deep breath, reassure yourself you can get through it, and don't let your anxiety reach the levels of his anxiety.

Try to take the heat off by lightening up conversations with him. If he drones on about his ex, switch the subject - try to get his mind thinking about lighter things, even a funny TV show you've watch together recently. Anything to stop his mind going in that horrible cycle of anxiety.

Best of luck with this very difficult situation
Dr Pam x

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