Relate talks about mismatched sex drives

My man isn't man enough for me
My partner and I have been together for ten years and I couldn't really wish for anything more from the relationship, apart from the fact that I don't really want to have sex with him anymore. I sometimes get tired of being the 'leader' in the partnership and sometimes find it difficult to admire or fancy him, despite the fact that he's a really talented chef.

We have discussed the problem a lot recently and I have started reading on the subject but nothing much is stirring on the desire front. Is it possible to regain the spark and excitement that originally existed?
frenchpoppy8

Sometimes sex is where couples express their anger or disappointment. Your lack of desire might be a protest vote against the imbalance in the relationship in other areas. It might also be connected to your need to have a man who is a leader because that is what you experienced as a child, or what you wanted in a father but never had.

If you want him to lead you have to give him the space to do this, or he will develop a performance fear that will prevent him ever meeting your desires. Try asking him to give you massages, to caress you while you are bathing together or go away for a weekend where you can spend loads of time in bed together. Without making the time, you cannot explore and rediscover what brought you together in the fist place.
Julia

I'm 50, have I run out of sexual steam?
I am 50 but have always had a low sex drive, only now I have no interest in sex at all. My husband and I may do it only one or two times a year.

The kids have flown the nest and instead of enjoying time together, the sex issue has become a real problem, and is threatening what was once a warm and loving relationship.

We are growing further apart, becoming more like two friends rather than husband and wife. There are no cuddles, kisses, hand-holding, nothing. I really don't know what to do and am worried he may stray.
prizma

Your first step is to initiate a lot more affection. Cuddle up on the sofa with your husband, offer him a shoulder massage or to rub his back in the bath - anything that allows you to be physically closer. Only once this has improved can you then start to think about sex.

You could also try taking evening primrose oil and ginseng to boost your interest in sex. Consider consulting your GP about HRT; although it has had a bad press in recent years, it is still OK for some women, and could improve your sex drive.

The most important thing is to rebuild the sense of closeness between you so you feel able to think about sex. Without that, sex will not be on the menu at all.
Julia

My baby stole my sex drive
I have always had a lack of sex drive but since having my baby last year it has totally disappeared. I had post-natal depression a few months after my baby was born and my husband recently lost his job. We have been fighting recently and sometimes I feel like we are more like friends. We don't kiss or cuddle like we used to, but he admits that he would like sex more often.

The baby isn't in the room anymore so it's not that I'm afraid to disturb her, I just don't like to kiss him or touch him and don't know why.
mumofone04

It's very hard to feel close and interested in sex when you are fighting and worrying about your relationship. Worry can prevent men and women feeling sexy, and you have already been through a tough time with PND and work issues; these are probably the reasons for your loss of desire.

It seems as if the reason you are together have sunk to the bottom of the pile, so your first task is to rekindle the relationship in general, rather than focussing on sex. Make time to be together so you can talk. Arrange some fun times such as an evening out together so that you feel like a 'dating couple' again, rather than just parents (important though this is).

You could also talk to a Relate counsellor to help you make sense of your experiences.
Julia

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