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Relate talks about mismatched sex drives
Relate counsellor Julia Cole is a highly experienced couples counsellor and psychosexual therapist. Here, she talks to the men and women of the iVillage community about the problems of mismatched sex drives
The issues of the day
This month's topic of mismatched sex drives is one known to most couples at some time. He wants it, she doesn't or vice versa. Research suggests that couples experience sex as 'ebb and flow'; with sexual activity altering throughout the time a couple is together. Sexual desire does not run like a tap from puberty onwards! Desire is strongly affected by the length of time together, the life stage you are passing through, and the pressures and pleasures of your life at the time.
If you experience problems in feeling interested in sex at the same time, consider making a 'sex date'. Put a date in your diary, shut the door, and spend time enjoying one another. Give sensual massages, bathe together, and experiment with lots of stimulating arousal. Take your time and allow your partner to get in the mood. Recent research suggests that women are more likely to respond to 'situational desire'. That is, if they are approached with sensitivity and sometimes passion they will feel desire for their partner. They are less likely to feel desire outside of actual initiation, although women do feel independent desire as men do.
If you want to be in sync for sex, it is important to talk about your relationship and ask yourself what you want from lovemaking. If you feel differently about your needs, your sex drives will gradually differ. Read 'The Relate Guide to Sex in Loving Relationships' by Sarah Litvinoff to help you understand more about sex and relationships.
Real life problems
He says...
- I love her, but she no longer turns me on
- Does masturbation determine desire?
She says...
- My man isn't man enough for me
- I'm 50, have I run out of sexual steam?
- My baby stole my sex drive
More information
- Talk to others about Mismatched Sex Drives
- Talk to a relate counsellor at iVillage
- Visit the relate website at www.relate.org.uk
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