Relate talks about mismatched sex drives

He says...

I love her, but she no longer turns me on
Although my girlfriend of three years is beautiful, I no longer find her physically attractive. When she makes advances, I make excuses and I fantasise about sex with other woman I meet. I was recently unfaithful for the first time which I feel so guilty about and don't intend to repeat. However, the sex with this other woman was great, there was something exciting about the chase, the seduction and discovering a new 'body'.

I masturbate over pornography a couple of times a week, but I don't think I'm an addict. I've joined a gym to try to increase my fitness and libido, but despite my good intentions I find it hard to motivate myself to go regularly.

I don't feel I associate sex with love, and have found I can treat a partner in a detached way at the beginning which allows me to feel more relaxed about sex, because with emotional security and intimacy comes a prudishness and barriers. What can I do?
singer

Your final paragraph neatly sums up the problem and is a good description of a common problem. You just don't equate sex with attachment. If you are serious about working on this you don't need the gym, but you do need a therapist.

I would suggest you need some fairly long-term work to explore your upbringing and the approach your family took to sex. You may also need to stop masturbating to porn and concentrate on the relationship in general, asking yourself what you want from a partnership.

Your girlfriend would also benefit from an honest discussion from you about how you are feeling as she is probably thinking there is something wrong with her. If you can face some of these issues, you will eventually find a solution to your problems.
Julia

Does masturbation determine desire?
I understand that an individual's libido varies throughout life and is never constant, but what merit would you put on assessing similar masturbation rates prior to committing to a long-term relationship or parenthood?

Obviously I am not thinking of asking any prospective partners on our first date how often she masturbates, but is this a measure of possible long-term compatibility?
goman

Masturbation is not a great determiner of the desire for sex with a partner. Some people masturbate every day in order to relax or de-stress, but would not want lovemaking so frequently. Others who hardly ever masturbate, might want sex with a partner a lot more.

A better way of understanding if your partner shares your interest in lovemaking is to talk to them about what they enjoy, how often they currently like to have sex and what they expect from sex (eg: what constitutes a good experience). In this way, you will find out if you match up.
Julia