Relationships 

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Affairs - the decision

He's had an affair. What do you do now? Do you stay together or split up?

He's had an affair. After the initial shock of finding out, you have hard decisions to make. And the most important one is whether to stay together. Does the relationship have a future? Do you even want a future with him? It's often impossible to decide. 'I changed my mind every hour, on the hour,' said Jemma, after discovering her husband in bed with a neighbour.

Gather information
Don't make your decision when you're still reeling. Take your time.

• You need to work out what you want. Not only look at how you feel about the affair, but the state of the relationship before. Were you ready to leave anyway? Or were you happy enough then to want to try again now?

• You need to find out what he wants. Does he want the relationship to work or has he given up? You have to calmly talk this through to find out the truth.

• Be slightly wary of friends' and relatives' views as they might have their own agenda. 'My mother never liked Craig,' said Kelly. 'So when the news broke, she muscled in like crazy, telling me to leave.'

• At this point, counselling may be beneficial. Check Relate www.relate.org.uk for details of your local branch.

Reasons to go
Once you know where you both stand, take a hard look at the situation.

There is no point in staying together:

• If either of you is making demands that the other will not or cannot agree to. When Trudi's husband said he wanted to keep seeing his mistress regularly, Trudi knew she could never agree and filed for divorce.

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