Affairs - the recuperation

Think positively about the situation as it can help you forgive.

• Realise that the good things in your relationship outweigh the bad.
  
• Get a clear statement from your partner that he's truly sorry.
  
• Start to see what part you played in what happened.
  
• Find practical, concrete ways to make sure it won't all happen again.
  

Regain trust
In the aftermath of an affair, you can feel incredibly dependent on your partner. You may also feel horrendously jealous and the need to check your partner's every move. You may wonder if you will ever trust your partner again. It will take time to rebuild trust. At the start, him saying he'll be good won't be enough to quell your doubts.

Trust needs to be built day by day. Your partner will have to show he's trustworthy for you to trust him. Encourage him to be reliable - ringing you when he says he will, being forthcoming about where he has been. Motivate him to be constant by showing how pleased you are when he acts trustworthily.

It will also help if each of you shows you are willing to meet each other's needs. Again, start small by asking each other for things you know you can do, doing them and so building the value you have for each other.

Finally, it will help to build your own sense of self-worth. 'I thought I was such an awful person that my husband couldn't love me,' explained Lucy. 'It was only when I started to feel better about myself that I started to be able to trust him to be faithful.'

Resources:
After the Affair by Julia Cole.
After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust by Janis Abrahms Spring and Michael Spring.
Jealousy by Dr Paul Hauck.
Marriage Care Helpline 0845 757 3921 (3pm-9pm Monday and Thursday)

Coping with infidelity - read all three parts of our series.
Part one - the betrayal
What to do when you find out?
Part two - the decision
Should you stay or should you go?

Share your views and experiences of affairs on the Highs and Lows of Being a Couple message board.