Relationships 

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Affairs - the recuperation

He's cheated and you've decided to give him another chance. Find out how to rebuild the relationship

You are starting to recover from the shock of finding out about the affair and you havedecided to stay together. But is there any hope of regaining the love and trust you shared? Or will the rest of your life be filled with anger, jealousy and mistrust? To get your relationship back on track there are four emotional hurdles to work at - understanding why you were cheated on, making changes to your relationship and learning how to forgive and trust again.

Understand
The first thing you have to do is try to understand why the affair happened. Until you do, you won't be able to put the past behind you and move on.

Think hard. Talk to each other calmly - particularly when your partner tries to explain why the affair happened, which is often upsetting. 'Tim kept saying he had his fling because I was so wrapped up with the children,' says Linda. 'My first reaction was fury. It was only much later that I appreciated how lonely he'd been feeling.'

If you have a friend you can trust, ask them their opinion on your relationship. Counselling can often be beneficial in helping you explore these issues.

Make changes
Once you're on the road to understanding why things went wrong, you have to make changes to your relationship. Basically, if nothing changes, your partner will probably stray again.

If the affair happened:

• because of external pressures - overwork, lack of money, stress. Alter your lifestyle.
  
• because you were drifting apart. Spend more time together, talking and understanding each other.
  
• because one of you felt trapped or bored. Get the emotional intimacy back into the relationship.
  
• because your love life wasn't satisfactory. Recover the sexual spark
  

If you are wondering how to do this, every couple eventually finds its own way. 'We began by talking,' comments Trish, 'then when we got stuck, I raided the local bookshop for good self-help stuff. We read the place dry, but we stayed together.'

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