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Is cybersex really cheating?
Dear Dr Patti
My husband has an addiction to porn on the Internet. I have been told that this is very dangerous. His obsession with this type of sexual behaviour is a form of adultery and I feel betrayed. I have put down an ultimatum in writing: the computer or me. Do I stand a chance?
N
First, know that this is a controversial issue, one that even professionals in psychology and sexology debate. Is there such a thing as Internet addiction? Despite the new diagnosis by the American Psychological Association that a person who is online for a certain number of hours a week can be deemed an 'Internet addict', there are varying views on what that really means.
If you and your husband were to discuss this, I imagine that each of you would have a slightly, if not utterly, different spin on his use of porn on the Net. The most important aspect of his using adult materials from the Internet for entertainment is: what does it mean to your relationship? If it's a symptom of his unmet needs in the bedroom, then it's time to talk. If his interest is compulsive, then he needs to take a break from this fantasy imagery and his cybersexual practices and get back to real time with you.
I get the feeling that he is having cyber-affairs online, which makes you feel as if there is adultery going on. Words can be very powerful; if you feel that there is a cheating going on that takes his love, interest and eroticism elsewhere, then it is cheating. If he cannot understand that this is hurting you and your marriage, even with a written ultimatum stating that it's 'our bed or the keyboard', then you have some serious decision-making to do regarding your future.
Two books you might want to check out are Caught In the Net by Kimberly Young, which discusses symptoms and treatment for Internet addicts, and Addiction and Grace, by Dr Gerald May for addictions in general.
Like many other self-help programmes, or ones that require paying a professional, the person using Net porn must acknowledge that he or she has a problem. But it's up to you to set and then keep stringent boundaries about what you will and will not tolerate in your marital agreements.
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