Dreaming of a loving Christmas

Create Christmas passion

If you have children, carve out at least one evening where you are in the house alone and can let your hair down. Then set the scene with music, a fire, an erotic video perhaps.

A good Christmas stocking present would be a tiny sex manual to get you giggling and give you inspiration. I'd recommend the Great Sex Guide by Anne Hooper, (Dorling Kindersley, £7.99).

Make up a Christmas present list of three things (each) that you'd like your partner to do to you - from the best kind of oral sex, through to the fantasy you've always wanted to act out together. Then work your way through the list.

If it goes wrong

If you do feel yourselves getting irritated or argumentative, don't panic or think you're failing. This is a very stressful time of year and it's not surprising that tempers fray occasionally.

Use a three-part technique I recommend:

• Relax - breathe deeply and ease away the tension that is probably causing the row.
  
• Review - look back and think of times you've felt good about each other.
  
• Reach out - make the first move to reconciliation by saying 'sorry' or offering a hug.

If that doesn't work, take time out. A 20-minute break away from each other will allow the adrenalin to settle and give you a chance to get things in perspective.

If it all really goes pear-shaped and you're in crisis contact Relate. They will work with both of you, or just one of you, to sort out the issues that are causing the problem.

Tell us about your Christmas on the Let's talk about relationships message board.