Relationship ruts

Once you've practised with a partner, adopt this strategy to other 'rut' relationships in your life. Ask a friend for space to talk about your problems; ask a colleague for a helping hand with that tricky job. Of course say thank you and always return the favour. By learning to ask you not only air an issue, you also strengthen bonds and move your relationship out of the rut.

Learn to celebrate
Sometimes, a relationship is stuck because we're not stressing the positives. We often take things for granted with partners or relatives. We don't smile, compliment, or give a thank you present because we've known the person so long, we don't feel the need to actively make them feel good. But you always need to. If you think about it logically for a minute, surely the closer someone is to you, the more they deserve your consideration and the more they'll value your appreciation.

A few years ago, a good friend of mine ended up in tears at my kitchen table. She felt her marriage was in trouble; they both cared but the spark was gone. I suggested that for a whole week, she told her husband only what he was doing right - when she noticed him being good with the children, when she appreciated his gentleness, when he turned her on. A week later she was back in my kitchen amazed at what a difference it had made.

Learn to say no
Ruts often happen because of resentment. We feel we're being asked to give too much - or to be something we don't want to be. We hang on to that resentment, and then find that our relationship is stuck, all positive feelings replaced with numbing politeness or surly indifference.

Tina's boss kept asking her to work late, night after night. She felt it was unnecessary. But she didn't make that clear to him and over the following weeks their relationship got more and more strained. I suggested she talk the issues through politely and professionally with him and that together they work out ways of avoiding the late nights. She took a deep breath and did this; he was receptive, she felt heard. Now, they're back to their old, relaxed relationship.