Video

Newsletters

Competitions

Quizzes

Offers

Social Network

Message Boards

Turn up the heat this Christmas
Seriously sexy gifts

Dress to impress
Fab frocks for party season

Season's greetings pop pickers
Try the Number Ones quiz

Relationships

Topics

Splitting Up
Communication & arguing
Gay & lesbian
Infidelity
Intimacy & commitment
Living Together
Relationship Problems

Single & Dating

Community

Understanding Men

Hot stuff

Get the Christmas party started

Visit Grotto Fabulous!

Photo galleries

Celeb odd couples game

Refuge: Early Warning Signs campaign

Sex positions to try

Jason Donovan interview

Celeb parent matcher

Newsletters

Promotions

Party central
From party frocks to invites and Christmas cocktails, we've got everything you need to throw a fabulous party

Encouragement - the secret ingredient for happiness

continued from page 1
Don't just encourage others - pat yourself on the back too!
Encouragement expresses your general attitude towards others - and yourself. If you are constantly criticising yourself or putting yourself down, it becomes difficult to look at other people generously or to appreciate the role they play in your life.

One of my clients, Bettina, grew up with a family she describes as manic perfectionists.Now 26 and a radiographer, she says, 'I always assumed that other people were thinking negative things about me and it took me years and some professional help to grasp that the things others could say about me were nothing compared to what I was already saying about myself.'

Because Bettina was so relentlessly self-critical, this also meant she interpreted other people's casual remarks negatively. And if anyone actually criticised her, their words would really upset her because they matched what she was already thinking.

Bettina - like many other perfectly intelligent people - simply had no idea how powerfully she was affecting her attitude, moods and relationships via the never-ending loop of negativity running through her mind. Bettina and others with similar problems inspired me to write The Universal Heart, but I also know that genuine encouragement can not begin and end with 'positive thinking' or just by thinking about ourselves.

Beyond positive thinking
If you feel self-doubting, anxious or depressed, it is highly likely that you will also be relatively self-absorbed, even when you don't want to be. Worrying about what other people think of you can be a full-time occupation - and not a rewarding one.

Taking back your power, learning that you can set the tone for your interactions with others through encouraging and supporting them, inevitably lifts your spirits. It also extends your world. It takes you 'out of yourself' in ways that are genuinely revitalising. And because it makes you much better company for others, it will bring you immediate rewards.

Just do it!
Encouragement begins to work for you and other people as soon it is put into practise. As you begin, it helps to:

Write down and challenge persistent negative thoughts.
Let go of small hurts or disappointments.
Silence your criticisms.
Check out your body language. It's hard to be encouraging when you are tense, angry or impatient.
Know that you can influence your mood by changing your posture.
Talk about what you have - rather than what you don't have.
See less of negative people.
See more of positive people (and be one).
Avoid talking about yourself like a slave ('I have to?').
Know what your strengths are - and focus on them.
Set yourself a goal that you will make at least three genuinely encouraging or supportive remarks to each person in your life each day. (This is great also for your creativity!).
Do much more of whatever lifts your spirits and connects you to life.

Stephanie Dowrick is a practising psychotherapist and the author of anumber of best-selling - and explicitly encouraging - books includingher recent release, The Universal Heart (Penguin, 2003). More information about her work is available at www.stephaniedowrick.com