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How can I fall back in love with my husband?
Dear Susan
I have been married for 12 years. My problem is simple: how do I fall back in love with my husband? I know I still love and care for him – I wouldn’t do anything to upset him for the world. But how do I feel that ‘spark’ when he touches me?
K
This one’s not easy. Over time that intense spark you’re talking about does fade. In biological terms, it’s there to get you together and ‘make babies’, so you’ll keep the human race going. Once you’ve made love – even if it’s unlikely in this day and age that you’ll immediately procreate – that ‘spark’ thinks it has done its job and slowly dies away. And you won’t truly feel it again with a long-term partner – you’ll only rediscover the tingle with a brand new partner, which is why so many people have affairs.
But long-term the spark can be replaced by a deeper feeling of knowing that someone gives you emotional security, makes you feel good about yourself, depends on you and cares for you. This is what I call ‘love’ rather than ‘in love’ and is probably what you still feel for your husband. You can develop this ‘love’ so that it’s deeper, stronger and more exciting.
The secret is to shift the way you’re relating to each other so that you’re more emotionally intimate. Talk about what you feel and what’s important. Share your hopes and dreams, fears and irritations, rather than just the day-to-day routine of everyday life. If you do this then you’ll not only develop more emotional intimacy, your sexual intimacy will grow too, over time. Try reading my book Love Coach for more details on how to get the depth you want in your marriage.
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