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How do I talk to my wife?
My wife wants to hear my feelings and dreams, but I just don't know how to do it! When she asks, 'How's work?' I answer, 'Not bad' and cannot work emotions or details into it, especially since she told me my details are boring. My dream is of living in bliss with her, and I really need ideas on how I can communicate better with her.
Chiukee
You're a lovely man to want to learn to meet his wife's needs and to communicate with her properly. Brilliant!
How you learn to do this is not about the words or phrases you use, or the sentences you come out with. If you want to talk about details and about your feelings and dreams, you have to become aware of these details, feelings and dreams.
It sounds like this is nothing that comes easily to you. Like many men, you've been brought up to concentrate on the big picture of what happens and not to register the details. You've been brought up to remember what you do, not what you feel or dream about. In short, you're going to have to learn to be more aware of these things - as you start to become more aware, you'll find it much easier to tell your wife about them.
The good news is that your wife sounds like an expert on details, stories, feelings, and dreams. So you have to get her to help you learn.
Sit her down and tell her, clearly, that you love her and you want to please her. Tell her too what I've told you that you've never been taught to see the world in terms of details or emotions. If she wants you to talk to her in the way she wants, she has to teach you.
First, she has to be patient with you - this will take time. Second, each evening, she has to be prepared to show you what she wants by telling you about her day, including the sort of detail and the sort of emotions that she notices and feels. Then, she has to help you remember things about your day by asking questions, listening carefully to your answers, and then asking you more questions about what she wants to know.
Plus - this bit's important - she has to reward you when you try. If she keeps telling you that you're boring, you'll just lose motivation and get stuck. What will work is if she listens with interest to what you're trying to tell her and if she encourages you by asking questions that you can answer. Most of all, if she tells you how pleased she is when you do try - even if at first you find it all very difficult.
The bottom line is that this is simply something you need to learn how to do. If your wife is prepared to help you, my guess is that in a few months time, you will have learned, and you will be able to do it spontaneously.
How you learn to do this is not about the words or phrases you use, or the sentences you come out with. If you want to talk about details and about your feelings and dreams, you have to become aware of these details, feelings and dreams.
It sounds like this is nothing that comes easily to you. Like many men, you've been brought up to concentrate on the big picture of what happens and not to register the details. You've been brought up to remember what you do, not what you feel or dream about. In short, you're going to have to learn to be more aware of these things - as you start to become more aware, you'll find it much easier to tell your wife about them.
The good news is that your wife sounds like an expert on details, stories, feelings, and dreams. So you have to get her to help you learn.
Sit her down and tell her, clearly, that you love her and you want to please her. Tell her too what I've told you that you've never been taught to see the world in terms of details or emotions. If she wants you to talk to her in the way she wants, she has to teach you.
First, she has to be patient with you - this will take time. Second, each evening, she has to be prepared to show you what she wants by telling you about her day, including the sort of detail and the sort of emotions that she notices and feels. Then, she has to help you remember things about your day by asking questions, listening carefully to your answers, and then asking you more questions about what she wants to know.
Plus - this bit's important - she has to reward you when you try. If she keeps telling you that you're boring, you'll just lose motivation and get stuck. What will work is if she listens with interest to what you're trying to tell her and if she encourages you by asking questions that you can answer. Most of all, if she tells you how pleased she is when you do try - even if at first you find it all very difficult.
The bottom line is that this is simply something you need to learn how to do. If your wife is prepared to help you, my guess is that in a few months time, you will have learned, and you will be able to do it spontaneously.
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