Communication & arguing
Gay & lesbian
Infidelity
Intimacy & commitment
Living Together
Relationship Problems
A new survey by DatingDirect.com, reveals 84 per cent of single Brits struggle to find a date
A sprinkling of Latte Creations makes an everyday coffee break extra special
Why did he stop calling?
I broke up with my boyfriend as he was not spending enough time with me. Most weekends he went to rugby training, which invariably resulted in the afternoons or evenings spent in the pub with his team-mates.
He lost his wife two years ago, but never said much about it. I know he has been under a lot stress but he tended to fit me around his other activities. As I work full-time, this was not always possible.
We had talked about getting married and both wanted a child together. But in the end I walked out after he cancelled dinner with me (again) in favour of meeting his friends at the pub.
For the next two months I stayed away, but he kept asking me to go out with him, so eventually I did. I assumed that we would discuss our differences, find some solution or at least agree to be friends, but we didn't discuss our relationship.
After this he kept telling me that he really loved me, and wanted it to work, until suddenly, out of the blue, he just stopped calling. I miss him and feel sick with depression, as it's been five months now since I have heard from him.
Can you give me some guidance? I really want to speak to him again and don't know how to approach it.
What I would do is to try to get a proper ending with him. Because in order for a relationship to end properly, and for the people involved to move on and find new happiness, certain things need to happen. You need to know, for sure, that it is over. You need to understand why it has ended. You need to learn the lessons of the relationship, and how to do things differently next time.
I don't think you've yet achieved any of these things. I don't think you are sure that the relationship has ended - you still think there may be hope when, to be frank, there is no hope. You don't understand why he stopped calling, or what was going through his mind when he ceased contact. And you don't know what you should do differently next time, how to form a better relationship with the next partner you meet.
For all those reasons, I would write to this man - but not in order to get back with him. I think you should ask him why he stopped contact, why it ended, what he feels went wrong. You could also ask anyone else who knew him, and knew the two of you together, to tell you what they saw of your relationship, what they think went wrong. Then, once you have all that information, you should have just a few sessions of counselling, to talk through what you've learned, to think through what happened and what you still need to learn.
I am absolutely certain that a better and more loving man is waiting for you. But you won't be able to have a good relationship with someone new until you've put the past to rest with this man.
Are you thinking of separating from your partner? Why not chat to other iVillagers on the Moving On After Seperation message board. Take a look at some of the LIVE discussions taking place on the message board right now:
Delicious
Digg
reddit
Facebook
StumbleUpon
Horoscopes| Message Boards | Quizzes | Newsletters | Join
iVillage Ltd is a UK company registered in England & Wales (3837269) at 80-110 New Oxford Street, London WC1 1HB
