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Several years on, and I have yet to reveal my secret to my parents. If they come and visit, the wardrobe has to be emptied of shirts and ties. Books about cricket have to be hidden at the back of the cupboard, holidays are taken with a random selection of 'friends' and things that involved 'we' turn into 'I'.
According to Relate counsellor, Denise Knowles, the act of keeping a relationship secret for a long period of time can prove damaging both to the individual and the couple involved.
'Keeping your life compartmentalised like this can put an enormous strain on both your worlds, especially when the stresses of one spill over into the other. Eventually the stress of keeping your lives separate will permeate your relationship and damage it.'
The danger is that the partner involved eventually feels that you are embarrassed to be with them, or that they are in some way 'not good enough' for you - a feeling which grows the longer the deception continues. Naomi Levy found that Ed, 'interpreted my silence as a feeling of shame at being associated with him. Which couldn't have been further from the truth.' Actions speak louder than words, and sometimes keeping a relationship secret leads to split loyalities: your parents or your partner.
I'm lucky that my boyfriend, Patrick, now has a laid-back attitude to all this. There's been no such split in my loyalties. After trying to persuade me to tell my parents for quite some time, he gave up. He's definitely appreciated the tranquillity that comes with never meeting the 'in-laws', but he's also helped me through dark days of frustration. He's realised that I won't tell them until I am ready and it's a situation overwhich he has no influence at all.
Knowles warns that the decision to reveal the existence of a secret partner needs to be examined very carefully, 'You need to ask yourself why you are doing this now and think carefully about the circumstances in which you tell them. If they're elderly or ill, you might send them over the edge.'
Several years on, and I have yet to reveal my secret to my parents. If they come and visit, the wardrobe has to be emptied of shirts and ties. Books about cricket have to be hidden at the back of the cupboard, holidays are taken with a random selection of 'friends' and things that involved 'we' turn into 'I'.
According to Relate counsellor, Denise Knowles, the act of keeping a relationship secret for a long period of time can prove damaging both to the individual and the couple involved.
'Keeping your life compartmentalised like this can put an enormous strain on both your worlds, especially when the stresses of one spill over into the other. Eventually the stress of keeping your lives separate will permeate your relationship and damage it.'
The danger is that the partner involved eventually feels that you are embarrassed to be with them, or that they are in some way 'not good enough' for you - a feeling which grows the longer the deception continues. Naomi Levy found that Ed, 'interpreted my silence as a feeling of shame at being associated with him. Which couldn't have been further from the truth.' Actions speak louder than words, and sometimes keeping a relationship secret leads to split loyalities: your parents or your partner.
I'm lucky that my boyfriend, Patrick, now has a laid-back attitude to all this. There's been no such split in my loyalties. After trying to persuade me to tell my parents for quite some time, he gave up. He's definitely appreciated the tranquillity that comes with never meeting the 'in-laws', but he's also helped me through dark days of frustration. He's realised that I won't tell them until I am ready and it's a situation overwhich he has no influence at all.
Knowles warns that the decision to reveal the existence of a secret partner needs to be examined very carefully, 'You need to ask yourself why you are doing this now and think carefully about the circumstances in which you tell them. If they're elderly or ill, you might send them over the edge.'
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