20 things men really want for Valentine's Day

7. Sex for elevenses

8. A cinema screening of his favourite film
If you live in a city, find a local cinema that shows old films as well as current blockbusters. Book tickets to a screening of Star Wars, The Godfather, Back to the Future or whatever.

Buy him a bucketful of popcorn, but don't insist on pawing him throughout the film. Save that for the cab home.

9. A takeaway in bed
This one needs precision planning. Nip out before he wakes up, buy a breakfast feast from his favourite junk food emporium, deliver it to the bedroom and gently let the smell wake him up. Share it with him, preferably after taking your clothes off again.

10. His hairline
Just like it was when he was 14. Sadly not available at a greetings card shop near you now.

11. Sex for lunch

12. Drums
Most men are 50 per cent little boy, 49 per cent rock star and 1 per cent big softie, so you can't go far wrong with this pressie.

We're not talking about a pretend drum kit that you hook up to a games console. What he wants is a real, live, Animal-from-The Muppets drum kit that should come with earplugs and a soundproofed room.

13. Never having to meet your mother again
No really, he thinks your mum's great. Just not in the same room.

14. Vintage fountain pen
He'll feel like the missing link between James Bond and Stephen Fry. If you're lucky, he'll write you love letters with it.

15. DVD box sets of his favourite TV programmes
He can't be bothered waiting for episodes, he wants to watch them all in a weekend, wearing his pants and surrounded by snack food wrappings.

16. Sex for tea

17. A snake
Reptiles are for life, not just for Valentine's Day, and this is exactly the kind of pet he'll love for years. Go for a corn snake - friendly and non-venomous, but appropriately manly, especially at feeding time.

18. Swiss Army penknife
Men love these things for two main reasons. One, they never tire of toys, especially ones that enable them to pick stones out of horses' hooves. (He's never met a horse in his life, but that's not the point.)

Two, their multiple features compensate for boys' inability to multi-task. If you've got £100 to spare, get a custom-engraved Victorinox model with built-in 2GB USB flash drive and laser pointer.

19. A private lapdance

20. The biggest cordless drill you can afford
A man can never have enough tools. And he'll want to use it, which can only be good news for your home decorating plans.

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