Relationships 

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Tending the homefires

It's not just love that makes a relationship work. The key to success lies with four cardinal rules. We've all spotted them: those mysteriously happy couples swanning through the supermarket with a shopping list of ingredients for their cosy dinner party, their only argument whether to buy raddichio or rocket. And we've all wondered, what is their secret? In today's landscape of betrayal, when the average relationship lasts no longer than a sneezing fit, how are some people able to sustain and enjoy long-term relationships? Are they simply dullards who spend their weekends drinking tea in front of the telly? Is all that bliss a pose? Or are they doing something that the rest of us can learn from?

Perhaps they are. Mark Alperen, a psychotherapist who specializes in couples counselling, says that though the success of a relationship depends on your personal and family history, and that problems vary from couple to couple, over time he has seen certain issues that keep cropping up. Based on his experience, Alperen has arrived at four cardinal rules to long-term relationship success:

'First, there's the issue of respect,' he says. 'Allowing your partner enough space, having consideration for them. Second, it's important to allow the relationship to unfold at its own pace, instead of rushing into important decisions such as moving in together. A third important issue is trust. It's the foundation of a good relationship; couples must be committed to honesty. Finally, sex - you have to accept that it will change over time.

The experiences of women in long-term relationships seem to bear out Alperen's conclusions. While most cited 'being ready for something serious - and finding a man who is ready, too' as an important prerequisite, their ideas about what makes their relationships work echo Alperen's 'ardinal rules.'

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