Communication & arguing
Gay & lesbian
Infidelity
Intimacy & commitment
Living Together
Relationship Problems
Can't live with him, can't live without him
Dear Susan,
I met my boyfriend a few months ago, we clicked straight away and moved in together. Once we were living together he paid me less attention - didn't text or call me as much. He has also admitted kissing another woman. We had a massive fight and he chucked me out. Despite this I still wanted to try again. He phoned me last night to ask if we could meet up on Saturday. I love him and we had a great thing going before I moved in with him. What on earth do I do? Do we try again?
Debbie
The first thing you have to do here is realise that the two of you may be compatible, but the way your relationship started means you were riding for a fall from the very beginning.
The first three months of knowing someone is too short a time to be moving in together. First of all, you don't really know each other, so you're unprepared for the little niggles of daily life. Second, you haven't got over the needy, 'in love' bit, so it's far harder to be relaxed and tolerant around each other. And lastly, it's a big shock living with someone and you need time to get prepared for it.
For all these reasons, I'm not at all surprised that you've hit problems. Is it possible to overcome those problems? Well, no, if the two of you insist on fighting. But if you can hold on to the fact that you love each other and if you're very sensible, you might have a chance. In short, you need to do three things in order to get back together:
1. Agree to live apart for at least another couple of months to get your heads sorted. During this time go on dates and really get to know each other.
2. Agree that neither of you will date other people or have flirtations with them - and that if you do, that's a sign that you're not compatible and you need to part. You need a solid foundation of trust before living together.
3. Before you do move back in again, talk at length about what each of you expects of living together, and come to an agreement about the differences. So talk through, for example, whether you'll carry on emailing and texting at the same rate as before - and if you find that he thinks not and you think so, discuss this until you're both happy with your decision.
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