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Doggy Lover
Dear Susan
My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year now and are considering marriage in the future. Sounds good, but there's a problem: all my life I've been passionate about nurturing and owning dogs. He hates pets and can't stand the idea that I have any sympathy for a 'lower being'. I don't want him to suddenly have a change of heart and 'allow' me to have a dog if we marry and live together in the future. What I would like is for us to find a way to deal with this conflict of interest before it destroys our relationship. Is there anything you can suggest to help?
Elizabeth
Dear Elizabeth
I can sympathise with you as I'm potty about cats and if my husband hated them it would be a worry. But more than that, I sympathise with your deeper concerns. It sounds as if there is an issue, not only about your love of animals, but also about your boyfriend's attitude to your love of animals. He doesn't only not share your passion, he appears to feel deeply threatened by it. And in turn, you are feeling threatened by the prospect of having to negotiate it as part of married life.
Where passions are concerned, to sustain a long-term relationship you have to understand and accommodate them. And if you're thinking of being together 'in the near or distant future' then you need to start practising those skills.
Start talking. Explain to your boyfriend why you are so keen on dogs, what in your past got you involved in them, how they make you happy, how they fulfil you. Get him to do the same for an equivalent passion of his that you aren't that keen on. Then challenge these passions - get him to tell you how he would feel if you did want a dog. Try to understand, try to empathise, try to see things from each other's point of view. And when you can do this, take it further, perhaps doing a trial run of living together with a dog, and seeing what happens then.
You have to sort this before you get engaged. It may be an irreconcilable issue. You also have to address this as you'll face even bigger issues if you marry - such as children, when to have them and how many to have. You need to have a good bank of negotiating skills in your pockets before you make your big commitment.
HugsSusan
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