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Coping with Valentine's Day when your relationship is far from rosy

Every couple goes through the odd rocky patch, but nothing can up the misery stakes more for an unhappy couple than Valentine's Day. It's so easy to get roped into the hype; believing that everyone else is having loads of romance, passion, and love on the 14th. Find out how to have a stress-free Valentine's Day, and make room for romance when your relationship is having a wobble

The truth is many couples find Valentine's Day stressful because expectations are so high. Even couples who are happy feel the pressure that Valentine's Day must be 'perfect'. The pressure to set everything straight is particularly intense for a troubled relationship. Sadly, no date in the calendar can do that, but there are lots of things you can do to try to get back on track.

Put grudges to sleep

On the practical side, as Valentine's Day approaches, hold your hands up and accept responsibility for X, Y, or Z. Research shows that a negative relationship cycle will be perpetuated until each person can take responsibility and apologise.

For example you could say something like, 'I'm sorry I've been upsetting you by working such long hours. I know you must feel neglected.' By being specific about what you're apologising for, you give your partner a sense that you've spent time thinking about it, and that you care.

Once you've accepted responsibility for an issue and said how you're going to try and sort it out, couples research shows that your partner is more likely to do the same. But someone has to be the brave one and take that first step to flip the negative cycle onto it's head. Why not make it you?

The next step is to suggest how you can improve the situation and what you're going to do about it. It's one thing to apologise for neglectful or hurtful behaviour but you have to take it to the next level and do something.

Take action

Try and get romantic, despite your differences. Research shows that couples who share memories from early in their relationship are happier couples. Why not recreate an early date that you both enjoyed? Perhaps you went to a fantastic little pub in the country when you first met. Surprise him by taking him there again, and take the time to chat about your first visit, when you couldn't take your hands off each other.

Get creative and think of a meaningful gift you can give your partner on Valentine's Day. Why not buy a DVD of the first film you saw together or a CD of a band from the year you first met. Just like a visit to a place you had an early date at, such gifts will generate conversations about happier times. This can be incredibly healing when you've been unhappy recently.

When giving them a Valentine's card put a personal and meaningful message inside it. Include two or three things you love most about them. Doing this might remind you of their loveable qualities and make you realise your relationship is worth saving!

Be realistic

Check your expectations and make sure they're realistic. The worst thing is to have Valentine's Day arrive thinking that everything's going to be OK and then have your expectations dashed. What's most important is that you both start healing your differences and making an effort to ensure the other person feels special.

What can be really helpful is agreeing that on Valentine's Day you have a date where you ban any talk of your present problems - make it a purely pleasurable date. Go somewhere new as a signal of a fresh start, or try something different on the date like going dancing or seeing some live music.

By combining your stroll down memory lane with things like a meaningful DVD or CD, with something new, you can get the best of both worlds. Happy memories, and a here's to a fresh start!

By life coach and psychologist, Dr. Pam Spurr, author of 'SINFUL SEX - The Uninhibited Guide to Erotic Pleasure' (Robson Books £7.99)

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