Recharge your love life in one weekend

Get exactly what you want
Another classic relationship mistake is assuming that because your partner loves you, he knows what you need to be happy. Sadly, love doesn't magically transform us into mind readers, so we rely on the next best thing. We assume that what makes us happy will make our partner happy.

That, as you might imagine, leads to unmitigated disasters. He gives you tickets to the football for your birthday along with the latest Nintendo game. You give him an inspirational self-help book and dinner in a romantic restaurant. To completely guarantee a life of misery, we take this warped thinking even further. We assume that if our partner doesn't behave the way we would in a particular situation, he doesn't care about us.

Cue typical arguments about things like anniversaries (some people place importance on them, others don't) and chatting up your best friend (seen as charming her by one, flirting by another). But happily, there is a way to fix this sorry situation. It's called being clear about what you both want. Sounds easy enough, right? Here's how it works:

• For the next month, you take turns having 'me' days until the month is up.
• On each of your 'me' days, you get to ask for something you'd like from your partner that makes you happy. It might be something as simple as asking him to pick you up on time, massage your shoulders while you're watching TV or hold your hand while taking a walk.
• Clearly state what you'd like your partner to do, giving as much detail as possible. The idea is to get into the habit of asking for what you need and want in order to be happy, instead of expecting your partner to second-guess.
• Pay attention to what your partner asks for. Write down what he's requested, and you'll have a list of his real needs and wants, rather than what you think he wants or doesn't want.

Sunday: Your sex life

Don't just maintain, nurture
When you start a new relationship, your focus is on nurturing your sex life. You're learning about your partner's body, what he likes and doesn't like, with beginner's lust fueling your curiosity. If you're like most couples, once you think you've got each other figured out, you move from nurturing your sex life into maintaining it. Six weeks into your relationship, the proportion is around 80 per cent nurturing to 20 per cent maintenance.

Six years on, it's more like 0 percent nurturing to 100 percent maintenance. To keep sex good long-term, you have to continue to nurture. This means putting thought and energy into sex, like you did in the beginning!

• Take turns with 'sex spoil sessions'. Every fifth time you have sex, one of you spoils the other with things you know your partner will enjoy. Note the emphasis on what your partner enjoys, not what you enjoy. This might be as simple as giving him a gloriously thorough working over with your tongue, or involve you packing a picnic to head off for alfresco sex.
• Take a sexual inventory. Write suggested sexual activities on two sheets of paper, then each of you rates them from hot (would love to try) to warm, lukewarm and cold. Add your own, but choose from things like spanking, role-playing, semi-public sex, tie-up games, blindfolding, talking dirty, anal sex and watching or making erotic films. When you're done, make note of the activities that scored high for both of you. Try one every two weeks or once a month.

Turn your bedroom into a sex den
Sex in your average bedroom is a yawn. Sex in an erotic, exotic playroom is sexier than that recurring fantasy of your favourite celebrity walking into your bedroom just as you're reaching in that bedside drawer, you get the picture. Some essentials:

• Soundproof it for kids/flat mates/your mother when she comes to stay. Heavy curtains and carpets soak up sound. If you're deadly serious, install sound-insulating board on any adjoining walls. A lazy but still effective option is to put in a sound system or radio. Music masks all sorts of happy noises.
• For the most flattering lighting, light from below or at eye level. Dimmers are the next best thing and can match whatever mood you're in. A simple, quick fix in the meantime: Put tea lights on saucers on the floor (keep them a safe distance from bedcovers or enthusiastically thrown bras, knickers or boxers).
• The simplest thing is to add mirrors to wardrobe doors so they can be angled to provide good views of the bed. Even sneakier is a full-length portable mirror, which you can move into whatever position grabs your fancy at the time.
• Everyone needs a special drawer within reaching distance from the bed. Fill it with massage oil, stockings and scarves for tying-up, sleep masks from your last plane flight to act as a blindfold, lubricant, condoms, erotic books or films, sexy clothes, vibrators and other sex toys.
• A firm mattress makes for better sex. Clean, fresh, good-quality sheets lure you to lie naked on them. Cushions are a must for putting under hips, supporting limbs or making other places around the house sex-friendly.