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The top five relationship problems

by Susan Quilliam
continued from page 1
We keep having the same old arguments. How do we stop going round in circles?

'We are always arguing and it's always about the same things. We try to work things out, but one of us always loses our temper - and to be honest, I'm losing faith that we will ever get things sorted. How can we stop these rows?'
Angela

There are two key causes of arguments. Firstly, you may not have the necessary skills to resolve serious conflicts. Whilst you were fine in the early part of your relationship, when there was nothing serious to argue about, now your differences of opinion are apparent, you struggle to resolve issues and can't cope.

Secondly, you avoid discussing the issue you're really upset about - one or both of you feels furious but either doesn't realise it, or is too scared to admit it.

Stop arguing action plan
  • Discover the hidden resentments that are lurking under the surface; sometimes acknowledgement alone clears them up.
  • Discuss together - if necessary with the help of a counsellor - any long-standing issues, things you just can't forgive.
  • Develop ways of nipping an argument in the bud by breaking the mood with a hug, a joke or an apology.
  • Learn the skills of negotiation to resolve things that you can't agree on in a way that leaves both of you feeling good.
  • Head off building resentments by taking time every day to bring up differences and disagreements and clear the air.

    Read: Getting to Yes by Roger Fisher, William Ury and Bruce Patton (Arrow, £8.99).



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