Communication & arguing
Gay & lesbian
Infidelity
Intimacy & commitment
Living Together
Relationship Problems
Find a new man with the help of DatingDirect.com
I'm in love with a couch potato
Dear Sherry
My boyfriend of two years is quite inactive. We never do anything unless I ask him to take me out. He's always at my place for all meals unless I tell him I want to eat out that night; then we go to eat out. He just sits and watches TV after dinner unless I tell him I want to go and see a film or something, and then we'll go and see a film. I've talked to him about this, and he says he wants to change and make the effort to plan activities in our relationship, but it's been two years and nothing has really changed. Is this a change I cannot realistically expect, or is there something I need to do to make him change once and for all?
Deb
Read my cyber lips: A person can't and won't change unless he's truly motivated to do so for himself. And since your boyfriend is 'inactive', movement of any kind, even on the psychological level, must be difficult. Even if you attempt the one action that will at least temporarily get him off his backside - threatening to leave unless he initiates doing something more taxing than being a couch potato - the change will be short-lived. Once he thinks you've been appeased, he'll revert to his old ways.
However, I am encouraged that he's willing to follow your lead. You choose a film; he'll park himself in the cinema. Continue nicely, letting him know that you'd really love him to start initiating plans for fun things for you to do together, and reward him whenever, if ever, he follows through. Training a man is like training a dog - positive reinforcement works.
Also, just because he won't join you in activities doesn't mean that you have to be joined at the hip on the couch. Make plans with girlfriends, platonic male friends, go out on your own. This actually might be another strategy to get your boyfriend off his backside, but don't employ it for that purpose alone. Don't fit your life around your boyfriend's needs. Live your life, and invite your boyfriend to participate in it.
If you truly love your boyfriend and are in all other respects happy with him, then follow the above steps and reapply when necessary. However, if you're the type who thrives on constant movement, activity and adventure, then you might ultimately need to move yourself out of this relationship.
Delicious
Digg
reddit
Facebook
StumbleUpon
Horoscopes| Message Boards | Quizzes | Newsletters | Join
iVillage Ltd is a UK company registered in England & Wales (3837269) at 80-110 New Oxford Street, London WC1 1HB
