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My partner went to a prostitute
Dear Susan,
My partner of 20 years went on a recent trip to Amsterdam with some friends. He goes regularly for the break and to chill out in the coffee bars. However, after his last trip he told me he had been to see a prostitute. He was very open about it and told me he had not had penetrative sex, just a 'hand job'. He seemed totally bemused when I was angry about it. He said he thought I was open-minded about these things. When I pointed out this didn't apply to our sexual relationship he didn't seem to understand. He doesn't see he's done anything wrong, as he didn't have full sex. He doesn't see this as unfaithful. How can I convince him it is?
Flabbergasted
Dear Flabbergasted,
OK, here's the bad news - your partner went to a prostitute and had a hand job.
Here's the good news - he didn't hide it, he didn't lie, he didn't cover it up. He told you what he had done and invited you to be happy for him. Of course, you're not happy, I understand that, but at least you know he wasn't doing anything that he thought you disapproved of, and that he didn't try to deceive you.
So you have two issues to sort out here. The first and most important is whether in the future your partner will visit prostitutes again. Given that he now knows that you hate what he did, will he treat you to a repeat performance? If he does, then in all honesty you have a problem, because he is putting his own needs first, against not just your disapproval but also your very deep disgust. So if he tells you that he's not going to stop, you will end up thinking very seriously about your future together; you may want to go to counselling and sort out what happens next.
But if your partner says that, now he understands your feelings, he has no intention of ever doing anything like this again, then you have your second issue to address: can you forgive and forget? If you can't, you can't - though in all honesty, I would strongly encourage you to try. I'm not condoning prostitution in the least. I am saying that your partner has done something that he doesn't think is wrong and that he genuinely believed you didn't think was wrong - and to throw away 20 years of loving under these circumstances would be a real waste.
Think about - and talk to your partner about - what I've said.
Hugs,
Susan
OK, here's the bad news - your partner went to a prostitute and had a hand job.
Here's the good news - he didn't hide it, he didn't lie, he didn't cover it up. He told you what he had done and invited you to be happy for him. Of course, you're not happy, I understand that, but at least you know he wasn't doing anything that he thought you disapproved of, and that he didn't try to deceive you.
So you have two issues to sort out here. The first and most important is whether in the future your partner will visit prostitutes again. Given that he now knows that you hate what he did, will he treat you to a repeat performance? If he does, then in all honesty you have a problem, because he is putting his own needs first, against not just your disapproval but also your very deep disgust. So if he tells you that he's not going to stop, you will end up thinking very seriously about your future together; you may want to go to counselling and sort out what happens next.
But if your partner says that, now he understands your feelings, he has no intention of ever doing anything like this again, then you have your second issue to address: can you forgive and forget? If you can't, you can't - though in all honesty, I would strongly encourage you to try. I'm not condoning prostitution in the least. I am saying that your partner has done something that he doesn't think is wrong and that he genuinely believed you didn't think was wrong - and to throw away 20 years of loving under these circumstances would be a real waste.
Think about - and talk to your partner about - what I've said.
Hugs,
Susan
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