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Is boyfriend in love with ex?

by Susan Quilliam

question
I have been with my boyfriend for seven months. I'm falling for him in a big way, but am unsure of his feelings for me. He says he loves me, but I recently found out that he's in regular phone and email contact with his ex of seven years who lives in America. They seem very emotionally close and she seems to not have got over him. He appears to be feeding her belief that he still feels something for her, and he even sent her a love CD for Christmas. They have not seen each other for well over a year, but I am unsure of his feelings towards either of us. I don't believe she knows I even exist and now I'm scared that if I approach him in the wrong way, it will only create distance between us - after all, seven years is a very long time. I feel scared and out of control, as I love him so much.
Anonymous

answer
I agree that seven years is a long time, and seven months is very little time. But you do still have rights in this situation. You are your boyfriend's partner; you make love with him and care for him. He says he loves you. And so you can ask for some honesty and clarity from him about where his real feelings lie.

So ask for a 'where are we at?' conversation. You have to be very brave and clear-headed - because, although what you think you need is for your boyfriend to reassure you and tell you everything's fine, what you really need him to do is to tell you the truth. Even if the news is bad, the best thing for you and for your relationship is not that he feeds you lies to keep you happy. The best thing for you and your relationship is straight talking, where he explains cleanly and honestly how he feels about you and about his ex.

Because, yes, if the news is bad and he admits he still cares for her, you will feel hurt, but at least you will know where you stand. Given the truth, you can make an informed decision about what to do next. Given the truth, you can decide whether to stay or go. Given the truth, you can work to make him love you, or love you more.

It's straight talking you want - and if he tells you something you don't like to hear, you have to accept it, stay calm, and let him carry on talking. Freaking out, nagging, blaming or bursting into tears will just make him back off, and hide what is really happening. Instead, hang in there, even if the news is bad, until he has told you what's really happening.

And who knows? The news may be good. Remember, this is a guy who just told you that he loves you - so it could be that when given the chance to open up about his feelings, you'd find that he really does feel that way.
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