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Is my boyfriend a paedophile?

by Susan Quilliam

I keep finding pictures of underage girls (12 to 16 years old), which my boyfriend has downloaded from the Internet. I've seen him look at teen porn before but this is going too far. I've tried confronting him about this but he just blows up and tells me not to go through his stuff, as if me not seeing it would just make it ok. I'm very worried about this - does it mean he's a paedophile?

answer

I can't say from your email whether your boyfriend is a paedophile. What I can say is that his internet habits show that he's attracted to underage girls and to pornographic images.

I'm also worried about your boyfriend's angry and defensive reaction to your concern. It sounds like he knows his behaviour is dodgy but he's not prepared to consider the implications. This suggests to me that the pictures he's downloading are just the tip of the iceberg.

As to what happens next, there are two issues here. The first is your relationship. Your reaction is normal, but the question is whether you are so shocked and disgusted that you need to walk away.

If you do want to help your boyfriend, then your first step is to challenge him over his behaviour. You have to be clear that he has a serious problem and that he needs help. This might bring him up short and might show him that he has to take action.

But there's a much more serious issue here, and it is one which you need to consider carefully. What your boyfriend is doing is against the law. Downloading porn images of anyone under the age of 18 became illegal in May 2004. So by rights, you should report him to the police.

Of course this would be hard for you. It would certainly mean the end of your relationship, and may make your partner's friends and family turn against you.

But society must stand against underage porn - not only because it's wrong in itself, but also because it encourages underage sex and other forms of child abuse. So you may feel it's wrong to allow your boyfriend to carry on doing what he's doing, without reporting it to the authorities.

If you feel you do want to take things further, then you can go direct to the police - they'll put you in contact with the appropriate officer who will talk you through what action can be taken. Another route is to contact the Internet Watch Foundation who help enforce anti-porn laws on the web, and they'll liaise with the police on your behalf. In both cases, you'll need to give them evidence by listing the websites that your boyfriend has been using.

I know all this sounds hard, so you will probably need support with your decision. I strongly recommend you to look at Stop It Now (or ring their helpline on 0808 1000 900) a charity dedicated to confidentially supporting people, like you and your boyfriend, who are, or who know, child abusers. They can give you help, and if your boyfriend decides he needs support, he can talk to them too.

A final point. As I said before, it isn't clear whether at present your boyfriend is abusing a specific child. But if you actually suspect him of that, then you must tell the police urgently. The NSPCC (helpline 0808 800 5000) can help both you, the child involved and his or her family.