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Does he love his ex more than me?
My boyfriend and I have been together for just over a year. I knew he had had a relationship with someone that ended three years ago, but I didn't realise that they are still in constant contact.
He has told me he would 'die for her' and they say 'I love you' to one another all the time, send kisses and use soppy nicknames. They talk on the phone all the time, often in the middle of the night, and send each other texts, cards and letters.
They see each other about every two months, when they go off to another city and spend the day getting drunk. Although he tells me he loves me and would never cheat on me, I'm having a hard time trusting him.
He drinks a lot and when drunk claims he doesn't give a damn about me but still loves her. In day-to-day life, he states he will never marry or have kids, but that he would have done with her, if their relationship had worked out.
I've tried to talk to him, but he refuses to listen, telling me I'm being silly and paranoid. If I push the matter he gets angry. The problem is that I love him so much and I keep hoping that things will improve. I think it would kill me to leave, but it's killing me to stay. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Psychologists have discovered that one of the ways to make someone crazy is to first give them a whole load of mixed messages that all contradict each other. Then tell them that they're wrong to be confused about those messages, that the problem is theirs. And also make it hard for them to simply walk away from what's happening.
This is exactly what's going on for you - and it's why you're so upset. Whether or not your boyfriend is doing this deliberately, he's putting you in a situation that no one could cope with.
He's giving you a whole load of mixed messages - telling you he loves you, but also telling you that he loves someone else, putting you second best but at the same time saying he wants to stay with you. Of course you get confused and unhappy.
Then if you try to challenge him about what's happening, he tells you that you're being silly and paranoid. If you push it, he gets angry and accuses you of causing the problems. Of course it's killing you.
What's the way out? Well, one way out is to simply refuse to put up with all this and leave. But the final piece in the puzzle is that because you love this guy, you feel you can't leave. You care so much that you feel you can't simply shrug and pack your bags.
Leaving is still a way out, and if I were you, I'd take it. But if you want to hang in there, you have to make your position clear - not talking it through or even trying to be understanding, but stating clearly that you will not put up with what's happening and that he is not to see his friend again or have contact with her. I know that seems unfair and unsympathetic - but it will resolve the situation because it will bring it to a head.
Anything is better than what you're going through at the moment.
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