The week-by-week break-up survival guide

Surviving a Break-up: Week Three

Do some spring cleaning, both physical and emotional – first up, your flat. Unless you've just this minute finished the redecorating and that's what caused the split (am only half kidding here – renovating is stressful), consider sprucing up your home, even if it's just to change the bedspread and add a jaunty colored vase. Any (positive) change at this point is good.

Your emotional spring cleaning involves making two lists. The best strategy to accept that someone is gone is to collect as much evidence as possible to prove that you're a wonderful person who deserves better – and that he isn't as fabulous as you thought. It sounds terrible, but it's also realistic. After all, if he's that perfect for you, he wouldn't have broken up with you in the first place!

List one: Ask a good friend to help you write down everything great about yourself, all your successes and achievements both big and small. List two: Find your ex's flaws. It doesn't matter how much you did or do love him, no one is perfect (not even him). Write down every single fault and weakness you can think of. Stick both lists on your bathroom mirror so you look at them daily. While you're at it, look at yourself in the mirror every morning and evening and say out loud to yourself, 'It's over. He's not coming back. I will survive.' Keep doing this until you can look yourself right in the eye, speak confidently and believe it.

Surviving a Break-up: Week Four

A shred of self-respect should be resurfacing by now, so it's time to cut the umbilical cord. Ask mutual friends to stop reporting back every piece of gossip about your ex. Don't spend your life trying to find out about his. Beware of friends who encourage you to believe your ex will 'come back': They're trying to make you feel better, but they aren't doing you any favours. Don't believe it unless the words come directly out of your ex's mouth.

Now's a good time to start diagnosing the break-up properly. If you have any good friends whose judgment you trust implicitly, ask them to give input. Was it just bad timing and incompatibility, or are you constantly falling for people who are bad for you? Do you grab onto anyone because you're scared of being on your own? Encourage your friends to be brutally honest and take whatever they say on the chin: If they know you well, there's at least a grain of truth to their theories. If you have a history of bad relationships, consider seeing a therapist for a few sessions. Feel especially tempted to call your ex after all this analysis? Don't! If you really must pour out all your intimate revelations – and are they really any of their business? – write a letter. But wait two weeks before posting it: Chances are, you'll decide he doesn't need to know after all.

Surviving a Break-up: One Month Later

At this point, a certain amount of logic should be in effect. Even if he came back, could you trust him not to leave you again? Even if you did call and beg for another chance, wouldn't you always wonder if he only accepted because he felt sorry for you? Your brain's exhausted from diagnosing and dissecting the break-up and, quite frankly, you're a bit sick of thinking about it. You stop taking all the blame for the split and realise it's rarely, if ever, one person's fault. Your friends stop worrying you're about to jump off a bridge and call less. Their eyes start to glaze over when you mention your ex's name. You're forced to spend nights alone, and you feel okay about it. Not great, just okay. You still feel an overwhelming sense of loneliness and still wonder (for the 600th time) what your ex is doing at that moment, but it should no longer be the focus of your existence. (If it is, again, get yourself along to see a therapist.) Life goes on.

One final piece of advice at this point: Don't rush to fill the cold spot in your bed. Give yourself time to grieve and heal and sort through all the baggage. The right time to start a fresh, new, serious relationship is when you honestly believe you understand what went wrong the last time and – even more importantly – feel confident of your judgment to pick someone who really will be a happy, healthy choice. Even then, go slowly and keep both eyes wide open – not just to protect yourself, but to savour the new love in your life. Because if there's one advantage to breaking up, it's this: You get to go through that delicious falling-in-love stage, all over again!

Don't miss out on any fun!

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