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How to cope with Christmas after divorce or separation

Christmas can be a stressful and fraught time of year. But it's particularly hard to cope when you've experienced a divorce or separation, especially when your focus is keeping the kids 'in the spirit of the season'. Solutions coach and psychologist Dr Pam Spurr advises on how to handle it and avoid the nightmare before Christmas

See also:

• Coping with Christmas after bereavement

10 essential steps for coping with relationship breakdown at Christmas:

1. If you have children, it's important that you plan access visits as early as possible over the Christmas period. Hopefully you're on friendly enough terms to sit down together with your diaries to record what's agreed, avoiding future disputes. If not, then use an impartial third party to liaise over access, and put it in writing.
   
   
2. You may feel utterly miserable about your split (I can recall this feeling from my pre-Christmas split in 1992!) but for your children's wellbeing, try to remain upbeat. It's unfair to spoil their Christmas just because you're hurt or can't bear your ex. Instead, rely on close family or friends to let off steam in private. I can't stress enough the enormous value of confiding your hurt or anger in another adult during this difficult period.
   
   
3. Find the generous side of your nature and encourage your children to make a special gift for your ex. Have fun getting out the glitter and glue for them to make pictures and cards. Not only will they feel happy and secure doing this but you're demonstrating goodwill and a generous spirit as a role model to them.
   
   
4. Your children will be hurting too, so encourage openness and confidence to talk about their feelings of loss without you falling apart. Make a little time every day to perform a mini-check of their emotional state by sitting down with them to chat without the interruptions of television and other distractions. It doesn't have to be intense but simply a shared moment where they'll feel comforted by you.
   
   
5. Traditions are terribly important to give a sense of 'family'. These can disappear with a break-up. You and your children will miss the little traditions like your ex handing out the presents on Christmas morning or putting the fairy on top of the tree. Don't let that happen, create some new traditions instead. Check out other iVillagers' Christmas traditions.
   
   
6. Plan some 'away dates' at friends and family to get yourselves out of the house (and the routine). These might become new traditions themselves, like visiting your best friend on Christmas Eve when you used to spend it at home.
   
   
7. Finances are often hit hard with a break-up before Christmas. You and your ex should make a joint effort to plan your children's gifts rather than each getting separate ones. Your children will feel happier getting something from the both of you which is given in a genuine loving spirit.
   
   
8. If your children are going to stay with your ex on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day or Boxing Day - the three special days of the holiday - don't make them feel guilty that you'll be on your own. If you can't spend it with family or friends (maybe you live too far to travel to them), take a positive approach and tell them how much you are looking forward to a few days to relax and enjoy things alone, emphasising that you want them to be happy while away from you. That doesn't stop you from crying your eyes out once the door is closed! Then picking yourself up and actually taking advantage of a little solitude. Need some me time? Here are some affordable ways to pamper yourself.
   
   
9. If you can't face spending time on your own, ring your local hospitals or charities to see if they need a hand over the holidays. Not only will it 'take you out of yourself' but you'll be helping others too. Also consider going to some of the events that singles and/or parenting groups might put on over this period. You'd be surprised how many other people will be in your position. Look here for more information on volunteering at Christmas.
   
   
10. Ultimately it's important to remember this is only a few days out of the whole year. You'll feel better if you can keep happy around your children, use your own time wisely, and generate the Christmas spirit in new traditions, places to go, and making new friends.

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