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Dumped when pregnant

by Susan Quilliam

question
Dear Susan,
I am 38, nearly three months pregnant with my first pregnancy and have a successful career. The crunch is that my partner has deserted us. Early this year I met 'Mr Right'. We fell completely in love and decided to waste no time getting married and, at his suggestion, starting a family. So the condoms went out the window before the church was even booked. We expected it would take ages to conceive, but it happened straight away. It was a shock, though at first he said he was happy and was hoping for a girl. Then suddenly without any real reason he ended the relationship. I have since learned he was seeing someone else. He refuses to speak to me and says he wants nothing more to do with the child or me.

I am battling to come to terms with the thought of bringing a child into the world without a dad and emotionally I am a wreck. I am bitterly disappointed my pregnancy has turned so sour. I want the very best for the child, but can barely face any books about pregnancy - pictures of loving couples everywhere, notes of 'how partner can help'. I feel dreadful and what was wonderful news has now become awful. By nature I'm an optimist and am trying to stay positive, but it's not really working this time. How can I cope on my own? How is the child going to feel? I feel embarrassed and humiliated that I am in this position.

Should I just accept his decision and leave him to drift off without further ado? He says he is going to move abroad and has no intention of helping financially. In some respects I feel I should try to make him face his responsibility, but unpleasantness is against my nature. Though I do still have feelings for him, I accept that his feelings have changed and I am not harbouring thoughts of resurrecting the relationship. I want to allow and encourage him to have contact with the child for the child's sake. Do these men really not care about their children? Do they later come round? Is it best to just leave them alone? I've always been quite strong, but my winning streak seems to be failing me right now.
Minnie

answer
Dear Minnie,
No, I can't help you rationalise this - this is no time for rationality! First, you need to scream and shout and have a total temper tantrum because this man has treated you appallingly. Almost certainly he did fall in love with you - but commitment and a baby proved too much for him, and he fled like a coward. You have every right to feel furious. So in the short term, allow yourself to feel furious as often as you want.

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