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Bitter betrayal
I've been with my husband since the age of 15 and since he was 21. We've three children. Last year, after 19 years of marriage, he announced that he was fed-up, and left. He refused to discuss anything and why he felt so fed-up. It turned out he'd been having an affair, and he swiftly moved in with his girlfriend.
It's been over nine months since he left, and I can't get rid of the bitterness and anger I feel towards him. He blames me for everything, and the worse thing is that he doesn't seem to care about our daughters and grandson any more. My youngest daughter makes arrangements to see him, but he always lets her down at the last minute. He goes for weeks without seeing them, and when he does make the time, it's usually just for an hour at the pub.
My biggest problem is that we've never had a discussion about what happened to our marriage and why it broke down. He refuses to talk about it and just says, 'What's done is done'. How can I get rid of the anger I feel?
Yes, of course, you feel angry towards your husband. He has treated you badly - and worse, he has treated your children badly. And what you are experiencing is a natural, even healthy, reaction to being betrayed.
But you don't want to feel this way forever. Initially, realise that there is nothing personal in the way your husband is behaving. He is acting like this because he feels guilty. He's guilty that he's stopped loving you, guilty about falling in love with someone else and he feels bad about the whole thing. His way of coping is to cut himself off. He blames you because the alternative is to blame himself and feel even more guilty. And he lets the children down because the alternative is to meet up with them and feel guilty yet again. He is a sad man - and if it is any consolation to you, in the end his life will be much more miserable and unfulfilled, even more than yours is at present.
The other thing you need to do in order to recover from your anger is to get over him. Easier said than done, I know - but it is possible. Your marriage is clearly finished, and there is no reason why you should not move on and get a better life and find a better partner. Begin to cut free, now. Get help from friends and family, and from Relate for help with working through the bitterness and hurt.
Above all, believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It doesn't seem like it at present, but you can get through this. Just believe in yourself - and you'll be fine.
Hugs
Susan
But you don't want to feel this way forever. Initially, realise that there is nothing personal in the way your husband is behaving. He is acting like this because he feels guilty. He's guilty that he's stopped loving you, guilty about falling in love with someone else and he feels bad about the whole thing. His way of coping is to cut himself off. He blames you because the alternative is to blame himself and feel even more guilty. And he lets the children down because the alternative is to meet up with them and feel guilty yet again. He is a sad man - and if it is any consolation to you, in the end his life will be much more miserable and unfulfilled, even more than yours is at present.
The other thing you need to do in order to recover from your anger is to get over him. Easier said than done, I know - but it is possible. Your marriage is clearly finished, and there is no reason why you should not move on and get a better life and find a better partner. Begin to cut free, now. Get help from friends and family, and from Relate for help with working through the bitterness and hurt.
Above all, believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It doesn't seem like it at present, but you can get through this. Just believe in yourself - and you'll be fine.
Hugs
Susan
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