How to marry a millionaire

If it's inherited wealth of the British aristocracy you're looking to tap into, just learn the patterns of the various family tweeds off by heart and sniff the air for the mingled scent of tack room, wolfhound, thistledown, porridge and ancient wax jacket. That's your man. Or his father. Either will do.

Beware the competition

You are not the only glamorous, articulate, mercenary femme fatale out there and rich men can have their pick of them. Just ask orange-faced, Velcro-haired Donald Trump. 'All the women on my show (The Apprentice) flirted with me. That's to be expected.'

Don't be afraid to elbow any competition hard in her doubtless Prada-clad and protruding ribs as you stride towards your prize.

Don't be yourself

Be better. Walk better, dress better, groom yourself better, because contrary to romantic opinion and Hollywood films, millionaires rarely want to rescue the downtrodden. Rich people are reassured by other rich people. They prefer their company because they are confused by poor people, find them physically distasteful, and, of course, are rightly frightened that they're coveting their cash.

Your conversation, rather than being suggestive of winsome poverty, must preclude the Rich Target from realising that he is speaking to someone who does not take unalloyed privilege utterly for granted. So learn up on yachting and polo terms.

Keep a pleasant but unimpressed smile on your face at all times and don't fall screaming to the ground, beating your hands on the carpet in disbelief when he lets slip what he pays in mooring fees, ruby-polishers' salaries and alimony. Remember that when he refers to his Murcielago, he is referring to his car, not an STD symptom.

Start early

Jerry Yang, head of Yahoo and worth around $2.2 billion met his wife during a student exchange programme. Pierre Omidyar, founder of eBay and worth an estimated £10.4 billion, met his at university (another good rule of thumb while you're young is pick a geek, any geek). Multi-millionaire footballer Wayne Rooney started going out with Coleen McLoughlin before they were out of the womb. You just need a bit of vision.

Think laterally

If these men still work, they have business employees. Become one of them. It worked for Melissa Gates at Microsoft and Debbie 'What first attracted you to millionaire Paul Daniels?' McGee.

If they don't work, they still have staff. Become one of them. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach, so training as a chef specialising in spotted dick and custard if you want to marry a marquis or unbelt an earl, low carb dishes if you want to snare a celeb and high-protein snacks with plastic cutlery and Kevin Keegan plates for footballers, is never a bad move.

Nor is turning up every morning in a maid's uniform, even (especially) if you're not his maid.

Lucy Mangan's latest book Hopscotch & Handbags: the Essential Guide to Being a Girl, is available now priced £12.99