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  |  Single & Dating  |  The Dating Game  |  Destined to go nowhere?
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Destined to go nowhere?

by Sally Ann Lasson

question
Dear Sally Ann
I think the man I'm with is stringing me along. We've courted on and off for eighteen months and slept together, etc. Yet we are not what I'd call a proper boyfriend and girlfriend. He is 34, still lives at home with his parents and tells me he is not seeing anyone else. He rings constantly and calls on special days - Valentine's Day, Christmas Day - but won't arrange to meet on these days or buy me presents. He says he hasn't got the discipline to have a proper relationship with someone like me. Do you think he is just waiting for Miss Right to come along?
Gaynor

answer
This isn't about whether this man is waiting for Miss Right, it's about the fact that you are looking for Mr Right - and you know it's not him. You say he's not a proper boyfriend even though you have courted for 18 months, slept together, 'etc.' Fact is, it's the etcetera which is precisely what you lack in this relationship. Etcetera means sharing a life with someone, planning for the future, spending time together on important occasions, like Christmas, wanting to give each other tokens of your affection - in short, love and commitment.

It's always a good idea to listen to what people say to you. If a man says he hasn't got the discipline to have a proper relationship with someone like you, believe him. It's a curious phrase 'someone like you', but let's assume that what he means is that he knows you want and deserve more than he can offer.

Presumably, he's living with his parents at his age through force of circumstances. It's not something that anyone of 34 does by choice, so he must have a lot of sorting out to do in his own life right now. Leave him to it. It will be a wrench for you because it is always difficult to leave a familiar situation, however flawed, for an uncertain future. But you do have a future, and when you are out of this semi-detached relationship, you will be in a much stronger position to meet someone else who will appreciate you.

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