Relationships 

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Cough up or go dutch?

Dear Melanie
If a man asks you out on a first date, he should pay. This is not the time to go dutch because a) an invitation is an invitation, and b) it would upset the natural order of things. What happens on the second date and thereafter is more complicated.

According to a traditional dating manual like The Rules (Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider) the man is always supposed to pay for everything. This is clearly nonsense unless you are dating a very rich man with an expense account - and even then it has slightly unpleasant connotations. The person who makes the invitation should not necessarily be the one who pays. If a man asks you out and wants to pay, allow him and say thank you. If you ask a man out, go dutch unless he refuses. Nowadays, the etiquette on who pays for a date is tricky because, for example, it would be unfair for a woman who's earning proper money to not, from time to time, cough up.A better rule to follow is whoever has the most money pays. This is a negotiation that you will have to keep working out as the relationship develops and unfolds. If neither of you has much money, going dutch is the fairest thing to do unless he insists on treating you. If that happens, you can cook him dinner (several dates down the line, not before) as a way of reciprocating his hospitality.

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