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Can I live with betrayal?
Dear Sally Ann
I've been seeing this guy for about four months. Two months ago he admitted he'd cheated. He said he owned up because he wanted our relationship to be honest - so I forgave him. But deep down the thought makes me sick. He says the other girl never meant anything, but my instincts are telling me he's still seeing her. Help!
Debbie
There is no advice to give on the first, it's purely a matter of whether you have the stomach for it. You have to find it in your heart to forgive him, and then you have to try to put it out of your mind. This is a tall order but some people can do it. You would need to convince yourself, with this man's help, that it was early days in your relationship, he made a mistake and he's told you about it because he now has honest and honourable intentions towards you. If he were to constantly reassure you and prove himself trustworthy in the future, you might manage it.
But there's nothing to manage if you think it's an on-going mess. Your instincts are telling you that he's still seeing this woman. The trouble with betrayal is that it mucks up your instincts, so that you don't know whether you're right or a tiny bit paranoid. The only way of knowing is to have a very long conversation with him.
You need to talk through your entire relationship from the beginning up to the present. He will have to be patient with you and his patience will be a demonstration of his feelings and commitment to you. Can he be bothered? Will he let you ask him endless questions and answer them? You will be in a better position to judge the situation when you hear his responses and, somewhere along the line, when you're looking at him and listening to him, you will know if he's telling you the truth. This kind of make or break conversation is best had on sober, neutral territory. My preferred venue is a walk in the park.
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