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Is he right for me?
continued from page 2
Question 5: Are you heading in the same direction?
Everyone's individual - and partners often need to bridge the gap between them over a variety of issues. But some distances are impossible to bridge, and you shouldn't even try. However much you love each other, if you have serious differences in the following areas, think again.
You need to have similar values and both place the same importance on your underlying beliefs; otherwise in the long run you will find it very difficult to respect each other.
You need to have similar general life goals. So if one of you has a burning life ambition, you will hit problems unless you both support it. For example if one of you wants children, there will be trouble ahead unless you both do.
You need to have complementary preferences - though they don't necessarily need to fit completely. So if you seriously couldn't cope unless you lived in a city, and he is a country boy who feels wrong when walking on pavement - or if you're a romantic in bed and he's a 'rough sex' man - then you will have to work hard in order to be happy together.
Question 6: Can you turn things around?
If you have doubts about your relationship, don't panic. Almost any relationship difficulty (with the exception of misaligned sexual preferences) can be solved if you have enough motivation and willingness to put in the work. So do you?
Look back and re-examine any relationship problems you've identified. Then be brutally honest with yourself about the chances of solving those problems. Do you feel that, with work, you could turn things around - align your life goals, love him for his own sake, talk through your differences? Or do you feel that the elements that are making you hesitate over commitment are ones that are going to bug you forever?
If you're hopeful, don't just rely on that hope. Sit your partner down and express your concerns to him. If he responds positively, then there's a real chance you can pull through.
Remember that doubts aren't inevitably the sign of a relationship on the rocks. They are often the sign of a relationship that is based in reality, a realistic appraisal of who you both are, how you relate to each other - and what you need to do to make your commitment solid, firm and lasting.
Resource section:
Staying Together by Susan Quilliam, (Vermillion, £9.99)
The Real Rules by Barbara De Angelis, (Thorsons, £6.99)
Relate relationship counselling - or call 0845 130 4010
Question 5: Are you heading in the same direction?
Everyone's individual - and partners often need to bridge the gap between them over a variety of issues. But some distances are impossible to bridge, and you shouldn't even try. However much you love each other, if you have serious differences in the following areas, think again.
You need to have similar values and both place the same importance on your underlying beliefs; otherwise in the long run you will find it very difficult to respect each other.
You need to have similar general life goals. So if one of you has a burning life ambition, you will hit problems unless you both support it. For example if one of you wants children, there will be trouble ahead unless you both do.
You need to have complementary preferences - though they don't necessarily need to fit completely. So if you seriously couldn't cope unless you lived in a city, and he is a country boy who feels wrong when walking on pavement - or if you're a romantic in bed and he's a 'rough sex' man - then you will have to work hard in order to be happy together.
Question 6: Can you turn things around?
If you have doubts about your relationship, don't panic. Almost any relationship difficulty (with the exception of misaligned sexual preferences) can be solved if you have enough motivation and willingness to put in the work. So do you?
Look back and re-examine any relationship problems you've identified. Then be brutally honest with yourself about the chances of solving those problems. Do you feel that, with work, you could turn things around - align your life goals, love him for his own sake, talk through your differences? Or do you feel that the elements that are making you hesitate over commitment are ones that are going to bug you forever?
If you're hopeful, don't just rely on that hope. Sit your partner down and express your concerns to him. If he responds positively, then there's a real chance you can pull through.
Remember that doubts aren't inevitably the sign of a relationship on the rocks. They are often the sign of a relationship that is based in reality, a realistic appraisal of who you both are, how you relate to each other - and what you need to do to make your commitment solid, firm and lasting.
Resource section:
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