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Dating dilemmas
A new survey by DatingDirect.com, reveals 84 per cent of single Brits struggle to find a date
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He won't commit
Dear Sally Ann
I have been with my boyfriend for two years. We are in the process of buying a house together and he now says that although he loves me, he is not 'in love' with me. He was very hurt in a previous relationship and, to complicate things further, we had an affair together prior to that relationship ending. He tells me that he is not ready for a second 'intense' relationship - and may never be. On the other hand, I am very much ready. I'm in my mid-30s and am very aware of the old biological clock ticking away. If I ever express any excitement about the future, he counters it by highlighting the negatives. He plans for the eventuality of our relationship failing, which makes me feel insecure. I'm at a complete loss, not knowing what to do in the face of his lack of commitment. Any suggestions?
Ann
Hello Ann
Run, run like the wind. The most spurious, meaningless, worrying sentence ever uttered by one human being to another is 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you'. What on earth does that mean? It is commonly what erring husbands say to their wives - and in that context it means 'I have a girlfriend'. Could something be going on that you don't know about?It sounds like your boyfriend is having a complete emotional wobbly. He has negative thoughts. After two years with you, he's not sure he's 'ready' to have a proper relationship and may never be. What's happened is that he's out of control and he's dragging you down with him. You cannot think of beginning a life with someone who talks only of breaking up. Forget about buying a house for now and put your biological clock away - you have at least three good years ahead of you in that department.The quickest way of getting a man back into line is to administer a short, sharp shock to his system. Break it off. Do you currently live separately? If so, stay where you are, if not, move out on your own. Return to the basics of dating: when a man backs off, back off further. Match his ambivalence. He has you in a fix because you are trying to make a future with someone who says there is no future.You can still land the plane, but you need to wrench the controls from under him. Be unavailable, evasive. You need to make him feel a rising sense of panic and uncertainty. Don't be scared because you cannot lose what you haven't got and at the moment you are just drifting around without a flight plan. He has to know that you are prepared to walk away from the table before he makes his best offer. Bring out the best in him.
Good luck, Sally Ann
Run, run like the wind. The most spurious, meaningless, worrying sentence ever uttered by one human being to another is 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you'. What on earth does that mean? It is commonly what erring husbands say to their wives - and in that context it means 'I have a girlfriend'. Could something be going on that you don't know about?It sounds like your boyfriend is having a complete emotional wobbly. He has negative thoughts. After two years with you, he's not sure he's 'ready' to have a proper relationship and may never be. What's happened is that he's out of control and he's dragging you down with him. You cannot think of beginning a life with someone who talks only of breaking up. Forget about buying a house for now and put your biological clock away - you have at least three good years ahead of you in that department.The quickest way of getting a man back into line is to administer a short, sharp shock to his system. Break it off. Do you currently live separately? If so, stay where you are, if not, move out on your own. Return to the basics of dating: when a man backs off, back off further. Match his ambivalence. He has you in a fix because you are trying to make a future with someone who says there is no future.You can still land the plane, but you need to wrench the controls from under him. Be unavailable, evasive. You need to make him feel a rising sense of panic and uncertainty. Don't be scared because you cannot lose what you haven't got and at the moment you are just drifting around without a flight plan. He has to know that you are prepared to walk away from the table before he makes his best offer. Bring out the best in him.
Good luck, Sally Ann
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