Dealing With Exes
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Hopeful but wounded
Dear Sally Ann
The man I’m in love with can’t seem to end the relationship with his ex-wife. For instance, I found out that after leaving my house at Christmas, he went to hers. He told me he was only there to say goodbye. We’ve been together nine months, but are deeply in love. Am I an idiot?
M
You’re not an idiot but clearly something is up here and I would urgecaution. There is nothing so dreary as a man with unresolved emotionalsituations lying around like something sticky on the carpet. They get inthe way, they have a nasty habit of tripping you up, they breed disharmonyand – worst of all – they usually mean very little to the man except forsome ego-boosting potential. I say worst of all because it’s a shame tobreak-up with someone because of something that means blah to them.
Presumably, your boyfriend is divorced because he and his wife couldn’tmake a go of it. So why is he sneaking around with her now? And to ditchyou on Christmas day in order to see her is extremely wounding. He isfudging when he says he had to say goodbye to her. Goodbye follows hello.It’s infuriating when men say totally illogical things in order to defendthemselves and it always means they are feeling guilty.
I think you are going to have to have a conversation with him about what exactlyhappened in his marriage, who wanted the divorce, and why he feels theneed to cheat on you with her now. Confront him. He is creating a climateof distrust and this will seriously undermine there being any chance of afuture for you both. Put all this to him in the bleakest possible terms anddon’t let him wriggle off the hook. If he admits that he and his ex enjoysome sort of superficial flirtation which he will desist from out ofrespect for you, give him the chance to prove it. But if he tells you thatyou’re paranoid then give up on him and walk away. It’s outrageous to belied to and it’s outrageous to be cheated on but being told you’re bonkersis the salt in the wound.
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